Hi there, and thank you for taking the interest and time to read some stuff about me. My name is Leander! I live in a city called The Hague, which is located in a little country in Europe called Holland, also known as The Netherlands. I was born and raised in Delft, a small town next to The Hague. My dad was born in Jakarta, which is the capital of Indonesia. My mom is born in Suriname, a country in South America. I was born on July 17th in 1980, on a hot summer day, as my mom explained to me. I was about two weeks late with getting out of my mom’s womb. I guess I didn’t wanna face the hard world and wanted to stay in my mom’s womb forever. But, yeah I had to get out. So I was born on the night of July 17th in 1980 at 7:26pm.
Growing up was never really easy when I look back at it now. I was pretty much of a loner, didn’t had that many friends, had different interests and I was also kinda overprotected by mom and dad. Okay, I don’t wanna say ‘over’ protected, but they were pretty protective over me, cause you know I am their only son. Yes! I have no siblings. Sometimes I wish I had siblings. An older brother or an older sister would be nice to have. But unfortunately I remained an only child. Which is okay in the end. Yes, I admit that I was very spoiled. I actually still am right now. But let’s not digress and go off topic.
So, like I said, growing up was pretty hard. I never really felt right about myself. I never really felt I belong. In elementary school there were some kids I hung out with, but for some strange reason I felt I couldn’t be myself. I don’t know how to explain it. I think I already knew deep inside that I was “different”, and I pretty much was. Different. Very!
When I went to highschool it was pretty much a rough experience. I survived the first year, which was good I guess. But the second year was a nightmare. I had to go to another school, a bigger school, with about 4000 kids there. I felt uncomfortable and kinda scared. But I didn’t stay at that school for a long time, because I was basically bullied away. I was about 13 or 14 at that time. Bad experience, which basically is stuck in my head. I deal with it a whole lot better now, because of therapy, but it wasn’t a nice experience at all. Like after school, when I notice a group of bullies waiting for me outside the school where I had my bike parked. That feeling inside of you like you had no where to go, being scared. Having bullies torture you, push you, getting physical, messing up my bike, having a peanut butter sandwich smeared in my hair… yeah! Pretty bad. I dropped out of school shortly after that experience. I never told my parents about it. Not until I was about 21 years old. Before that I had it all bottled up in me. Eventually I finished my highschool at the age of 18 at another establishment who provided evening schooling. So I am glad to have graduated.
Still I was fighting with lots of demons inside. When I got older I came to the realization that I was attracted to boys instead of girls. But you know, at a certain age you kinda ignore or block that feeling. Mainly because society most of the time thinks it’s a bad thing, or digusting or something that is not right or natural. But there were some people who noticed I might be gay. I don’t know if that was the reason I got bullied in school or whatever. Because alot of people think being gay is wrong I was believing myself at some point that it was wrong.
When I got my highschool diploma I had the oppertunity to continue going to school, but that didn’t last very long because I packed my bags and moved to Ireland in the beginning of 2000. It was the first time of being out of the house, having my first job ever, and being in a whole different environment. It kinda felt nice to get away from everything. I stayed in Ireland for nearly two years. Then I got bored and felt kinda homesick, so I went back to Holland. Stayed for a couple of months and then packed my bags and moved to London. I got a job offer there at the Air France office in the Wembley area of London. I did the one month training, but after that I decided to go back home again, because London is freakin’ expensive to live. I figured it would be wise to leave as soon as possible, so I did.
Back in Holland I was unemployed for a couple of months, almost half a year. Then I got a job at Cygnific, a daughter company of KLM, in Amsterdam. I started my training and working there in July 2002. It was kinda frightning for me, starting something new again, meeting new people. I worked there for 7 years, until September 2009.
In 2002 I was more aware of the fact that I am gay, and I was slowly dealing with it and accepting it, even tho alot of people are against it. I did alot of thinking and soul searching and shortly after I finally came out to my parents. Boy that was dramatic. First of all, the words “I am gay” never really got out of my mouth. I was having a heart to heart conversation with my parents about other issues and I sorta told them that there was something that I wanted to tell them. Boy there were some long silences. Eventually my dad dragged it out of me and I just nodded ‘yes’. Second of all, I was very surprised about the reaction from both my parents. I have thought about telling them and I always thought that my mom would be cool and my dad would go ballistic. But it was the other way around. It was kinda a kick in the crotch, because I have always been a mother’s boy, so I kinda thought she would be the one who would be cool with it. But I was wrong. It was an awkward moment, mom cried, I cried and it was basically just blah.
I did some more soul searching, talked to friends of mine and I slowly accepted myself more and more and that it’s okay to be gay. Love is love, regardless of what another person’s gender is. It is definitely not a choice. If it was a choice would I really choose to be discriminated against. Seriously.
Right about that time I came out to my parents, they slowly dealt with it. We never talked about it, but they slowly dealt with it. Around that time I was slowly becoming more open to my parents as well. So I told them about my highschool years, being bullied and all. It was a relieve to have told them about it. They wished I told them about it sooner, but I guess I was scared.
The relationship with my parents became closer and closer when I met this guy from Canada in the fall of 2008. His name was Stefan and we met through this BlackBerry forum online. He added me on BlackBerry Messenger and we started talking to each other. After a short while we started talking on MSN and then later on Skype. He became my boyfriend. He was 10 years younger than me. In the summer of 2009 Stefan came to Holland to visit me and stayed here for two months. So I obviously had to tell my parents about it, and they were very supporting. They met Stefan and all was great. Stefan came back to Holland in December of 2009 for Christmas and New Years. I was very much in love with him. And he was in love with me too. I had great moments with him and I loved and cared for him a whole lot.
In September 2009 I left my job after working there for 7 years. I was depressed, sad and certain issues from the past suddenly came haunting me. It made me not do my job right. I was not happy, about the way I was, feeling sad and feeling like I don’t belong. Feeling insecure and getting anxiety attacks. I basically started to become all messed up with myself. So, I finally came to the decision to end my job. I was not happy there and I had so many things going through my head about so many things. Things from the past, things about myself, why I act the way I do, having certain fears I couldn’t explain. So I ended my job and took the time to think about stuff.
The depression I was in became stronger and stronger. I was sad quite a lot. I felt clueless and I didn’t know what I wanted. After a couple of months of not working I had to register myself at the unemployment office. That didn’t go well for a couple of months. I felt more and more sad and the way I was treated wasn’t like I was hoping it would be. Alot of things came back in my head about the past. I developed this social anxiety, had nervous breakdowns, I felt weak and emotional alot. I also started hearing and seeing things that weren’t there. But I will explain about that later.
After the period of six months at the unemployment office I was referred to Social Services in the beginning of 2010, because I was still unemployed. There I got treated so badly, like I was just another unemployed person they had to deal with. I needed a break. A well deserved break!
In May 2010 I flew to Toronto together with my friend Cindy and we visited Stefan. Had a great time there in Canada. It was my first visit there. And I loved it! I only stayed there for two weeks, but I had the best time ever. Going back home was really hard and emotional. Stefan was my everything, I loved him with all my heart. He was my first love.
After I got back from Canada I had to deal with Social Services again. I wasn’t looking forward to their so called service. Without them knowing it I got more and more depressed. I wasn’t happy, I cried alot, had nervous breakdowns and I started to see and hear more things that aren’t there. I was hiding and staying home the whole day, talking to Stefan alot on Skype. Until my dad dragged me out of bed and out of my apartment to go see my doctor. After a long talk with my doctor, explaining everything about how I feel and also about the things I see and hear that aren’t there, he recommended me to see a psychiatrist. So I went. I had my first session in June 2010 and they came to the conclusion that I was suffering from psychosis which was caused by my severe depression. And Social Services kinda made it worse with not being supportive and not listening to anything I have to say. But I am glad that my dad dragged me out to see a doctor. Otherwise I don’t know what I would have done to myself.
In August 2010 Stefan broke up with me, through BlackBerry Messenger. I was totally heartbroken. And with all the shit I was going through I couldn’t handle it very well. I didn’t understand why. It took me months to get over it. I was trying and trying, but for some reason I still had some hope. Until he made it clear that it is really over which was right after new year’s. All the plans that we had together was all gone. It took me a long time to move on. It’s difficult, especially when you are used to talk to each other every day on Skype. And suddenly it was all gone and not happening anymore. For a long time it felt like I needed some closure for some reason. I don’t know. With everything that I was going through already with myself, the break-up made it all worse. But I wish him all the best and I hope he will find what he’s been looking for. I slowly accepted the fact that we we’re through and slowly started to move on.
In September 2010 I opened a new channel on YouTube and started making and uploading vlogs every day. Sharing my life and experiences with the internet, about myself, my depression and whatnot. I pretty much shared a whole lot. My emotional venting, crying and bearing it all, documenting it on video. I got a lot of support from people who watch my vlogs and I am so grateful for that. I continued my weekly therapy and I would share my experiences and discuss it on video. In December 2010 I noticed that I received an invite from YouTube to become partner. Being a partner you can actually earn money through ads that are shown on your videos and channel. It was quite a surprise to have received an invite from YouTube, because it’s quite difficult to become a YouTube partner. Because the amount of subscribers and views that I had weren’t high. They still aren’t. But I am not complaining.
So right now, I am still being treated with therapy and what not. I still have my social anxiety and nervous breakdowns from time to time. But I have to say I am doing better than last year. But I am not quite there yet. It’s still a work in progress.
I ended the daily vlogging routing when I hit my 900th vlog. I deleted all my daily vlogs from YouTube and I transformed my YouTube channel into a Sims 4 gaming channel. I do mostly speed build videos of houses and community lots for The Sims 4 and it’s going pretty well. There are still a few vlogs on my channel and I try to make a vlog and upload it whenever I feel like doing so. But mainly there are Sims 4 related videos. The amount of subscribers increased since the beginning of 2016 and I am so grateful for the views and feedback I get from people all over the world. It really motivates me a lot!
I am still working hard to better myself and to analyze my feelings and emotions. I still go through sad days, but I learned how to recognise them and how to deal with it. It’s still a work of progress, but I’m staying positive and I keep my head up.