Browsing Tag

anxiety

Leander

Will I ever get to work again?

I am dealing with some anxiety at the moment and it’s making me sick to my stomach! So many things are going through my mind and it’s giving me a headache. I am feeling quite clueless right now. I am having a hard time putting things in order.

I haven’t had a proper and normal every day job since 2010. I used to work for a major airline company for about eight years, handling sales and stuff. I lost my former job that year because of mental health issues. I was suddenly dealing with severe depression and anxiety and I have been in therapy for many, many years after I lost my job. I didn’t know what was going on with me. I totally shut myself off from the outside world, I had suicidal thoughts and absolutely no positive outlook on anything anymore. I’ve had assistance from the government, but it has been a real struggle. And it still is!

In the beginning of 2020. right before COVID-19 took over the world, I was doing so much better again. I had a positive outlook again and I was eager to get back out there again and see what my options are. However, I was worried because I hadn’t worked for ten years! But when everything got shut down because of the pandemic and the whole country was in lock down, my goal was basically put on hold.

Right now it’s 2022! The past two years of basically being isolated did have an effect on my mental health again, but I managed to control it by being aware of my thoughts and emotions. After being in therapy for so long I learned the tools on how to deal, maintain and go through it, and try to remain having a positive outlook on things. But I can’t help but worry. I am not getting any younger. Will I ever get a normal job again after twelve years of not working? It’s a very long gap. I got so many questions going through my head right now. Where do I start? Who would hire me? I got skills and I got qualifications, but twelve years ago I was thirty years old. Right now I am almost forty-two! Will there be anyone who would hire me at this age and after a twelve year gap? That thought really scares me. I can’t live like this for the rest of my life. I really don’t know where to start. Feeling the way I feel right now is not really helping either. I feel kind of stuck again, and I hate it. How can I approach this?

Even though I am doing so much better today than a decade ago I still have my moments of social anxiety. Although I do feel more confident, but not being out there and having face to face interaction with people, doesn’t really challenge me either. I feel I would be okay, but I’ll never know if I don’t have something to push me to be around people more. Especially now, since I am feeling a lot better than before.

Is there’s someone out there who can help me out or give me some sort of direction? Because right now it feels I am walking into a brick wall! I would love to do something within the travel industry. I worked for an airline and I have traveled the world quite a bit in the past, so it would be amazing if I could find something in that area again. Is there still anything out there like this after twelve years? Things must have changed a lot too.

When I worked for an airline company I had extensive training with their booking systems. I learned about ticketing, fare calculations and fare conditions, etc. The company also provided customer service, escalation and assertiveness training. I am very good with using a computer. I am fluent in Dutch and English, both spoken and written. I know my way around with video editing and graphics design software. Could these skills lead me to something?

I really need to clear my mind. I have been feeling anxious the whole day and it’s giving me a headache.

I received an e-mail the other day from someone within the government, informing me they will call me in a few weeks to check on me and see how things are. Maybe I should explain to them everything I have been feeling and thinking today.

You don’t look sick…

I gotta be honest. Shortly after I lost my former job I needed to get financial assistance from the government. Because I had a mortgage and continuing bills that needed to be paid. But they weren’t very helpful. I got the financial assistance, but they kept pressuring me and pushing me around to look for a new job, whilst dealing with my mental health. At that time I had no idea what was wrong with me. I was constantly down and depressed. I was suffering from migraines several times a week. The government even cut me off for one month because of the lack of willingness to look for a new job. Them cutting me off led to bills piling up the following months and that led to having debts. I was so lost and stressed I wanted to die. I couldn’t deal with anything anymore. It wasn’t until my father had to drag me out of my apartment to go see my doctor, because I isolated and shut myself off from everything. So that’s when my doctor referred me to a psychiatrist. I had a lot of sessions every week for the many years that followed. But when I think back on the lack of support and understanding I got from the government all these years ago, it makes me feel stressed. I remember saying to the person who was dealing with my case back then that I wasn’t feeling well. And they responded to me to me: “You don’t look sick”. Back then I didn’t think much of it, but when I think about those words they said to me right now, it brings up a lot of anger.

I really need to let those feelings go and not get worked up over it again. It just angers me so much. I just wished they didn’t treat me like a number. And instead show me some compassion and understanding. And really assist me to get back on track. But they did nothing! If they were being helpful from the beginning then things may have gone a different way. Maybe I wouldn’t have wasted twelve years of my life. Maybe they could have assisted me with schooling or something else that would benefit me. But no, I wasted twelve freakin’ years, being depressed, dealing with therapy every week and struggling to get by with the little financial assistance they provided.

I am literally shedding a few tears while I am typing this blog. I guess I figured out what caused today’s anxiety. It’s them! I guess it was needed to get this off my chest. Let’s hope when I have that phone call in a few weeks they are willing to assist me and my needs. I need to make notes of all the things I want to say. I really want to have a normal life again, have a job, save money, do fun things. I am really tired of living like this. Let’s hope for the best. In the mean time I am gonna try my best to remain positive. This shall pass too! Maybe there will be a follow up to this post, who knows?

Thanks for reading.

Leander

Hundreds of old vlogs

Last year November/December I decided to re-upload all my old vlogs again to my channel on YouTube, and list them as ‘private’. To those who don’t know, I used to be a daily vlogger back in the old days. I had over 900 videos between 2010 and 2013. I wasmainly vlogging to document my life, struggling with depression and lots of ups and downs. The reason why I re-uploaded them again last year is because I deleted all of the original uploads right before I started reinventing my channel with adding The Sims 4 content and other stuff. That was somewhere in 2016. I kinda regret that I deleted them all. I could have easily just put them all on ‘private’ or ‘unlisted’. That way I could easily publish them again in the future and the original upload date would be still in tact. Oh well!

So, yesterday I decided to publish all the vlogs I uploaded and had on ‘private’. At first that didn’t go well. As soon as I selected them all and set them all from ‘private’ to ‘public’ at the same time, I realized that it would ignore the original upload date and it all the videos, over 800 of them, would all be spammed in people’s sub boxes. Oh yeah, the reason why there are just over 800 videos and not 900 is because some of the files I tried to upload were either corrupt or broken. Anyway, I was stressing out about spamming people’s sub box and I tried to figure out what to do. But I fixed it, luckily. I set the status of the vlogs to ‘unlisted’. Phew! No one would want to see 600 new uploads from me in their sub box. So, I fixed the problem.

So, the videos remain ‘unlisted’, but I have made a public playlist on my channel where you have access to them all. And I will be sharing that playlist with you below. Mind you, these were all videos from 2010 ’til 2013. I was such a different person back then, with lots of mental issues, depression, sadness, etc. I personally cannot watch them anymore. I mean, sometimes I watch like a few seconds of it, but then I just switch it off. I have changed a lot since then. All for the better.

Lately I have been thinking about vlogging again, occasionally. It’s been a while since I vlogged and I always used to enjoy it a lot! I would need a new camera, tho. I mean I could vlog on my iPhone but I think it’s better to have a new camera. It’s on my want list!