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Leander

Will I ever get to work again?

I am dealing with some anxiety at the moment and it’s making me sick to my stomach! So many things are going through my mind and it’s giving me a headache. I am feeling quite clueless right now. I am having a hard time putting things in order.

I haven’t had a proper and normal every day job since 2010. I used to work for a major airline company for about eight years, handling sales and stuff. I lost my former job that year because of mental health issues. I was suddenly dealing with severe depression and anxiety and I have been in therapy for many, many years after I lost my job. I didn’t know what was going on with me. I totally shut myself off from the outside world, I had suicidal thoughts and absolutely no positive outlook on anything anymore. I’ve had assistance from the government, but it has been a real struggle. And it still is!

In the beginning of 2020. right before COVID-19 took over the world, I was doing so much better again. I had a positive outlook again and I was eager to get back out there again and see what my options are. However, I was worried because I hadn’t worked for ten years! But when everything got shut down because of the pandemic and the whole country was in lock down, my goal was basically put on hold.

Right now it’s 2022! The past two years of basically being isolated did have an effect on my mental health again, but I managed to control it by being aware of my thoughts and emotions. After being in therapy for so long I learned the tools on how to deal, maintain and go through it, and try to remain having a positive outlook on things. But I can’t help but worry. I am not getting any younger. Will I ever get a normal job again after twelve years of not working? It’s a very long gap. I got so many questions going through my head right now. Where do I start? Who would hire me? I got skills and I got qualifications, but twelve years ago I was thirty years old. Right now I am almost forty-two! Will there be anyone who would hire me at this age and after a twelve year gap? That thought really scares me. I can’t live like this for the rest of my life. I really don’t know where to start. Feeling the way I feel right now is not really helping either. I feel kind of stuck again, and I hate it. How can I approach this?

Even though I am doing so much better today than a decade ago I still have my moments of social anxiety. Although I do feel more confident, but not being out there and having face to face interaction with people, doesn’t really challenge me either. I feel I would be okay, but I’ll never know if I don’t have something to push me to be around people more. Especially now, since I am feeling a lot better than before.

Is there’s someone out there who can help me out or give me some sort of direction? Because right now it feels I am walking into a brick wall! I would love to do something within the travel industry. I worked for an airline and I have traveled the world quite a bit in the past, so it would be amazing if I could find something in that area again. Is there still anything out there like this after twelve years? Things must have changed a lot too.

When I worked for an airline company I had extensive training with their booking systems. I learned about ticketing, fare calculations and fare conditions, etc. The company also provided customer service, escalation and assertiveness training. I am very good with using a computer. I am fluent in Dutch and English, both spoken and written. I know my way around with video editing and graphics design software. Could these skills lead me to something?

I really need to clear my mind. I have been feeling anxious the whole day and it’s giving me a headache.

I received an e-mail the other day from someone within the government, informing me they will call me in a few weeks to check on me and see how things are. Maybe I should explain to them everything I have been feeling and thinking today.

You don’t look sick…

I gotta be honest. Shortly after I lost my former job I needed to get financial assistance from the government. Because I had a mortgage and continuing bills that needed to be paid. But they weren’t very helpful. I got the financial assistance, but they kept pressuring me and pushing me around to look for a new job, whilst dealing with my mental health. At that time I had no idea what was wrong with me. I was constantly down and depressed. I was suffering from migraines several times a week. The government even cut me off for one month because of the lack of willingness to look for a new job. Them cutting me off led to bills piling up the following months and that led to having debts. I was so lost and stressed I wanted to die. I couldn’t deal with anything anymore. It wasn’t until my father had to drag me out of my apartment to go see my doctor, because I isolated and shut myself off from everything. So that’s when my doctor referred me to a psychiatrist. I had a lot of sessions every week for the many years that followed. But when I think back on the lack of support and understanding I got from the government all these years ago, it makes me feel stressed. I remember saying to the person who was dealing with my case back then that I wasn’t feeling well. And they responded to me to me: “You don’t look sick”. Back then I didn’t think much of it, but when I think about those words they said to me right now, it brings up a lot of anger.

I really need to let those feelings go and not get worked up over it again. It just angers me so much. I just wished they didn’t treat me like a number. And instead show me some compassion and understanding. And really assist me to get back on track. But they did nothing! If they were being helpful from the beginning then things may have gone a different way. Maybe I wouldn’t have wasted twelve years of my life. Maybe they could have assisted me with schooling or something else that would benefit me. But no, I wasted twelve freakin’ years, being depressed, dealing with therapy every week and struggling to get by with the little financial assistance they provided.

I am literally shedding a few tears while I am typing this blog. I guess I figured out what caused today’s anxiety. It’s them! I guess it was needed to get this off my chest. Let’s hope when I have that phone call in a few weeks they are willing to assist me and my needs. I need to make notes of all the things I want to say. I really want to have a normal life again, have a job, save money, do fun things. I am really tired of living like this. Let’s hope for the best. In the mean time I am gonna try my best to remain positive. This shall pass too! Maybe there will be a follow up to this post, who knows?

Thanks for reading.

Leander

4 Year Twitch-a-versary

We’re getting closer to my four year anniversary on Twitch. I said I wasn’t gonna do it, but after giving it some thought I have decided to just go for it! I am gonna have another 12 hour stream, to celebrate the four years of streaming on Twitch! I have done it a few times in the past and it always was a blast!

My 12 hour stream will happen on Saturday, the 19th of February of 2022, at 12PM (CET). I will do some building in The Sims 4, do some House Flipper, Genshin Impact and who knows what else! To tell you the truth I am already excited to hang out with my fellow like minded people for 12 hours! So, you better stop by and say ‘hi’!

So, mark your calendars, because it’s going to fun! Because I am fun! At least I like to think that I am. Am I fun? I hope you can make it. Four years of streaming is quite an achievement, isn’t it?

If you aren’t following me yet on Twitch, what is your life? I’m just kidding. But no, seriously! Give me a follow. I currently stream every Friday, Saturday and Sunday at 8PM (CET).

TWITCH.TV/ITSLEANDERTV

Thank you for all the love and support many of you have given me the past four years! I am super grateful for everything.

Leander

New stream schedule and stuff!

Hello, everyone! I hope everyone is having a glorious day. I am doing alright. We’re already half way through January. Time flies by fast.

I have a little announcement for you regarding my streams on Twitch. Starting this week I will stream on different days than what some of you are used to. Instead of streaming on Mondays, Tuesdays and Thursdays, I have decided after a long time of thinking this through to change it up and stream every Friday, Saturday and Sunday, at 8pm CET. I have announced this during my stream the past week. I think a little change will be good. For now it’s a temporary change, to see if it goes well. But I feel I will stick to it. If anything changes, I’ll be sure to keep everyone posted. If you aren’t following me yet on Twitch, get to it! I am fun! I mean, I think I am.

How do you like these artwork I made? Cool, huh?

So, with my new streaming schedule I will have better time to focus on my YouTube channel. For the past couple of months I have been able to have one video uploaded each week. And I am going to try to continue holding on to that schedule. So, for The Sims 4 speed builds and random rants, subscribe to my channel on YouTube, alright? I am fun!

So, what else is new. I feel there’s a whole lot that has happened already in 2022. Sad things! Before the start of the new year we lost television and comedy legend Betty White. And recently TV dad and comedian Bob Saget passed away unexpectedly. What is happening? Bob Saget was best known for his role as Danny Tanner from Full House, as well as the reboot from a couple years ago, Fuller House. I grew up watching Full House. The show originally aired in the US in 1987, but it wasn’t aired here until 1990. I remember always taping so many episodes from the show and re-watching it over and over. It was my feel good show to watch. It was the kind of show that portrayed a family that goes through ups and downs but in the end there was always some lesson to be learned. It was the kind of family you wish you’d had, in a way. The love they shared. And it was funny as well… cheesy, but funny! Bob Saget passed away at age 65. Sad!

Who else grew up watching Full House?

Another actress that passed away a few days ago is Jamie Auld. She’s not very well known, really. In fact, she was only in one documentary film that was released in 2019, where she portrayed a pre-famous Madonna. The film is called Madonna & The Breakfast Club. It’s about Madonna’s life in New York City in the late 70’s and early 80’s, before she became famous. I watched that film and it was quite good. Jamie did really look a lot like a younger Madonna. But yeah, she was still very young. She was only 26.

Anyway, with all the tragic things that already happened in the new year, I really hope everyone is taking good care of themselves. Live each day to the fullest! And tell those you love that you love them! Life is hard right now for many and everyone is struggling in their own way. I encourage you all to stay positive and prosper. I am sending you all the good vibes in the world.

I am really excited to stream on weekends. Maybe it will attract some more awesome people as well, who knows. Fridays and Saturdays will be The Sims 4 streams where I build. Sundays will be my variety day, which at the moment could be playing Genshin Impact or House Flipper maybe. I have some other games in my library that I haven’t played yet, but I am not sure about streaming them.

I am also thinking of doing an actual The Sims 4 Let’s Play as well, but on stream. I am not sure yet. I started a Let’s Play on my YouTube channel somewhere last year. But I got some computer issues and I was forced to reinstall my entire PC. I remembered I backed up everything, except the save files of my Let’s Play! That was quite a bummer. The Let’s Play I started on my YouTube channel was titled The Fabulous Life of Leander. It wasn’t a particular game challenge or anything. I basically adapted some ideas from different challenges and made it my own. It was having my Simself start off with zero money. And I had to make money without having an actual job, such as painting and selling them or writing books and publishing them. The goal was also to have a huge family tree. And interact with other Simselves from my viewers. So, it would be fun to bring that back but on Twitch instead. But, like I said, I am not 100 percent sure yet. I have to give it some more thoughts. In the mean time I will create a save file for the Let’s Play just in case. We’ll see how it goes.

Alright, enough ramblings for now. Thank you checking out this post! I appreciate you! And I wish you all a glorious day, where ever you are on this planet! Ta-ta for now!

Leander

Happy new year!

It’s 2022, everyone! I wish you all an amazing new year. I hope you all had a great and safe New Year’s Eve! I for one had a total blast. I joined my good friend Aden, also known as Devon Bumpkin, on his New Year’s Eve live stream on Twitch. I drank a lot, I laughed a lot and watching back his VOD a little bit I was apparently quite loud. But I had fun and it was the best way to end 2021! So, thank you for having me, Aden!

Of course I paid the price the next day, dealing with a hangover, but it’s all good. I slept most of the first day of the year. My energy level was low and pretty much non-existing. Tell me, what did you all do on New Year’s Eve?

There was not so good news on the last day of the 2021. TV and comedy legend Betty White passed away at age 99, less than three weeks before her actual 100th birthday. What a loss. The Golden Girls was one of my favorite shows ever. I grew up watching that show. And ’til this day I still watch a random episode of the show every night when I have dinner. She was the last Golden Girl. So sad! I can only imagine her being welcomed into the after life with her former cast mates, eating cheesecake. Rest in peace, miss Betty White! You will be missed by many.

If one has no sense of humor, one is in trouble.

Betty White

Today it’s Sunday and the plan for today is to have a chill day. A new season of Queer Eye is on Netflix, so I may watch that later. There’s also a new show on Amazon Prime that I am eager to watch, it’s called Harlem. I also need to catch up on this week’s episode of And Just Like That. It will be a relaxing day of couch hanging and watching shows.

Again, I want to wish you all a happy 2022! May this year brings you lots of joy, happiness and exciting things. Thanks again to all for all the love and support you have giving me last year. As you know I am always super grateful. Happy new year and let’s kick some ass!

Leander

The end of 2021 is upon us!

First of all, I hope everyone had a great Christmas. If you don’t celebrate Christmas, I hope you had a great weekend. I managed to survive another Christmas all by myself. I treated myself and cheated with lots of food and I drank lots of Rosé. It’s safe to say that I was pretty tipsy on Christmas Eve and the evening n Christmas Day. But it was nice. It was chill. It was something I felt like doing, so what are you gonna do about it. Anyway…

The year of 2021 is coming to an end it’s time for another end of the year blog, looking back on the things that has happened this year. Which is not a whole lot. While the whole world is pretty much in chaos, I have managed to remain centered, as much as I can be and just do my own thing, basically. I have been pretty consistent with streaming three evenings on Twitch, which is always a blast. Hanging out with like minded people, having a shit load of laughs. And meeting new people along the way. I am grateful to have my own little community, or shall I say ‘tribe’, with people who accept me for who I am. A silly, dirty minded, dork that is Leander. I am super grateful for all the love I have received from so many people around the world.

Earlier this year I took a break from creating The Sims 4 speed build video for my YouTube channel, but since a few months now I have been recording and uploading videos again. Not as much as I used to, but I am trying my best to upload at least one video per week. So far it’s going well, so hopefully I can stick to it. We’ll see how that goes.

With streaming on Twitch and uploading videos to YouTube I have been struggling a little bit with growing. I haven’t been doing a great job with throwing myself out there, if that makes any sense. Like networking and ‘marketing’ myself. I put out the usual ‘I am live on Twitch’ and ‘I uploaded a new video’ tweets, but that doesn’t really do the trick. I need to try to engage more I think, right? It’s so hard! I branded myself D-List, because I have been streaming for almost four years now, and during the four years I have seen so many people come and many people go. I think it’s safe to say that I have two handful of people have stuck by me since the beginning. Of course I am very grateful for that (you know who you are!). I really need to try and come up with some sort of networking strategy, or something, and broaden my audience. If anyone of you who reads this have any suggestions, I am all ears! In the mean time I’ll just stay D-List. I am embracing it, tho!

I don’t really have resolutions for the new year. I don’t believe in resolutions. They are lame! Why wait until the new year to make changes in your life? That’s just my opinion. I have blogged about this previously. The only thing I hope the new year will give me is less setbacks and more things that are in my favor.

There are a few things I notice this year that have changed me. I feel more myself. More confident. More aware. I also take less shit from people. People who give me shit I either just ignore or just brush off. I also learned not to please everyone with what they want or need, or dealing with people who make me feel like I owe them something. Ugh, aren’t they the worst kind? Yeah, I can definitely say that I am more in control of my own needs. Thinking back to a few years ago it was not something I was able to do easily. I think part of it has to do with streaming on Twitch. I remember when I first started streaming. I was so nervous! If it wasn’t for the encouragement that I got from a few friends I met online I wouldn’t have considered streaming at all. And look at me now! That definitely made me feel more confident, more outspoken and more myself! (Thank you Aden!). There’s still a lot of work in progress, but I feel positive that I will get there, eventually.

Instead of being all alone at home on New Year’s Eve, I will be spending it with my dear friend Aden, also known as Devon Bumpkin. He will be streaming on his Twitch channel and yours truly will be joining him and his lovely community! I am looking forward to that. I am pretty sure booze will be involved, so that should be a treat!

Anyway, I think that’s enough of reflecting. Like I mentioned earlier, there’s not a whole lot to talk about. The year flew by super fast! Thank you for reading my blog! I will try to post more and consistently in the new year. Thank you to all the lovely people I came across on the Internet, mainly Twitch. I am grateful for all the love! I wish you all a great New Year’s Eve! Be safe and I will see you again in 2022! Happy new year!

Leander

Merry Christmas

Today it’s Christmas Eve! I just wanted to drop a few lines and wish you all a Merry Christmas, to those who celebrate! This year truly flew by super fast. Last year’s Christmas felt like it was only a week or two ago, for me. Crazy, isn’t it?

What are my plans for today? Nothing much, really. I will be spending Christmas with just me, myself and I. I got some deliciousness for dinner today, as well as for tomorrow. I have decided to actually cheat on my diet. I have mentioned this before, I have been intermittent fasting for the past couple of months, like over five months, and I have been doing quite well with eating healthy. I do notice a good change, both physically and mentally. I feel my waist has become a little smaller and I am very thrilled about that. Certain clothes I own I can wear again, so that’s a plus!

But, you know, since it’s Christmas and all, I have decided to cheat on my diet, because I fucking deserve it. So, I got some delicious prepared stuff that I can put in the oven and let it do its thing! I got one pork and one turkey roulade, plus two different kinds of potato gratin, that are ready to go into the oven as well. And some already made haricots verts with bacon. Nom-nom, right? So tonight will definitely be a treat! I also got some random snacks to nibble on after dinner when I will probably lie on my couch like a beached whale, watching sappy and romantic Christmas movies. Now, if that doesn’t sound like top-notch, then I don’t know what is!

Oh, I also got two bottles of South African rosé! So, I may get a little tipsy as well. Which shouldn’t be that hard, because I haven’t had any alcohol for months, when I started fasting. Ah, I can’t wait! Is it weird to get all excited about it? I don’t know.

But anyway, I just wanted to drop a few lines, like I’ve said. I am really starting to repeat myself! I wanna wish everyone a Merry Christmas. Regardless of how things are at the moment on this planet, I really hope you all will have a joyful Christmas, with lots of laughs and delicious food! And I’ll be sure to toast for you all when I start drinking my rosé.

Merry Christmas, everyone!

Leander

No resolutions, but…

We’re in November right now. Oh, how time flies by! We are getting closer to the new year. This year really went by super fast and it feels like I haven’t accomplished anything. Although, I have been making some progress mentally with loving, embracing and being myself more, but there are still moments where I can’t help but feel unaccomplished, if that makes any sense. I want to feel the way I used to feel before a decade ago, where I was just happy. Working and making money, go on holidays and just live life. I do have faith that I will achieve that goal, because I do feel I am on the right path, but it’s such a slow process. It does make me feel anxious, but I try so hard to rise above it and fight it. Also this global pandemic that we’re in and all the chaos that is happening in the world, that is quite an obstacle too for me, it feels like.

I don’t do resolutions when it’s a new year. I never do. I think having new year’s resolutions is lame. Why wait for a new year to change and better yourself, when you can do that today? What I do hope is that I will have some opportunities in the new year. Opportunities that actually benefits me socially, financially and most of all mentally. Doing something I love and enjoy. Get back out there again and not hide because I am scared. I developed a little bit of strength this year, but it’s still a work in progress.

I feel kind of conflicted and anxious right now. I’m trying to shake it off by letting it out of my system by typing this blog post. I’m trying to hold on to the little bit of the positive mindset that I have right now for the firture and hope the new year will open some doors for me, for real.

Another thing that I always deal with each year is that it’s the holiday season soon. Christmas is just around the corner and I have to admit that every year during the holidays, I can get a little depressed. I’m always alone during the holidays, which is not the biggest problem. I do enjoy my alone time. It’s just that you always get reminded about being with your loved ones during the holidays and being all jolly with everyone. And it sucks when you really don’t have those options, to be with loved ones. I try to make the best of it, of course. I will probably have a little Christmas feast by myself, dim the lights, light some candles, couch hang and watch Netflix or whatever. That’s all fine with me, but still. So complex isn’t it?

We’ll see how my state of mind is when it’s actually close to Christmas. I’ll probably blog about it too. But, enough of this rant. I didn’t want to bottle it up, so I just thought I’d blog about it. Because this is my little home on the Internet, a place where I can talk about anything, right? Yes! I really do hope everyone out there is doing good. If not, try to fake it until you make it, perhaps?