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life

Leander

No resolutions, but…

We’re in November right now. Oh, how time flies by! We are getting closer to the new year. This year really went by super fast and it feels like I haven’t accomplished anything. Although, I have been making some progress mentally with loving, embracing and being myself more, but there are still moments where I can’t help but feel unaccomplished, if that makes any sense. I want to feel the way I used to feel before a decade ago, where I was just happy. Working and making money, go on holidays and just live life. I do have faith that I will achieve that goal, because I do feel I am on the right path, but it’s such a slow process. It does make me feel anxious, but I try so hard to rise above it and fight it. Also this global pandemic that we’re in and all the chaos that is happening in the world, that is quite an obstacle too for me, it feels like.

I don’t do resolutions when it’s a new year. I never do. I think having new year’s resolutions is lame. Why wait for a new year to change and better yourself, when you can do that today? What I do hope is that I will have some opportunities in the new year. Opportunities that actually benefits me socially, financially and most of all mentally. Doing something I love and enjoy. Get back out there again and not hide because I am scared. I developed a little bit of strength this year, but it’s still a work in progress.

I feel kind of conflicted and anxious right now. I’m trying to shake it off by letting it out of my system by typing this blog post. I’m trying to hold on to the little bit of the positive mindset that I have right now for the firture and hope the new year will open some doors for me, for real.

Another thing that I always deal with each year is that it’s the holiday season soon. Christmas is just around the corner and I have to admit that every year during the holidays, I can get a little depressed. I’m always alone during the holidays, which is not the biggest problem. I do enjoy my alone time. It’s just that you always get reminded about being with your loved ones during the holidays and being all jolly with everyone. And it sucks when you really don’t have those options, to be with loved ones. I try to make the best of it, of course. I will probably have a little Christmas feast by myself, dim the lights, light some candles, couch hang and watch Netflix or whatever. That’s all fine with me, but still. So complex isn’t it?

We’ll see how my state of mind is when it’s actually close to Christmas. I’ll probably blog about it too. But, enough of this rant. I didn’t want to bottle it up, so I just thought I’d blog about it. Because this is my little home on the Internet, a place where I can talk about anything, right? Yes! I really do hope everyone out there is doing good. If not, try to fake it until you make it, perhaps?

Leander

Hundreds of old vlogs

Last year November/December I decided to re-upload all my old vlogs again to my channel on YouTube, and list them as ‘private’. To those who don’t know, I used to be a daily vlogger back in the old days. I had over 900 videos between 2010 and 2013. I wasmainly vlogging to document my life, struggling with depression and lots of ups and downs. The reason why I re-uploaded them again last year is because I deleted all of the original uploads right before I started reinventing my channel with adding The Sims 4 content and other stuff. That was somewhere in 2016. I kinda regret that I deleted them all. I could have easily just put them all on ‘private’ or ‘unlisted’. That way I could easily publish them again in the future and the original upload date would be still in tact. Oh well!

So, yesterday I decided to publish all the vlogs I uploaded and had on ‘private’. At first that didn’t go well. As soon as I selected them all and set them all from ‘private’ to ‘public’ at the same time, I realized that it would ignore the original upload date and it all the videos, over 800 of them, would all be spammed in people’s sub boxes. Oh yeah, the reason why there are just over 800 videos and not 900 is because some of the files I tried to upload were either corrupt or broken. Anyway, I was stressing out about spamming people’s sub box and I tried to figure out what to do. But I fixed it, luckily. I set the status of the vlogs to ‘unlisted’. Phew! No one would want to see 600 new uploads from me in their sub box. So, I fixed the problem.

So, the videos remain ‘unlisted’, but I have made a public playlist on my channel where you have access to them all. And I will be sharing that playlist with you below. Mind you, these were all videos from 2010 ’til 2013. I was such a different person back then, with lots of mental issues, depression, sadness, etc. I personally cannot watch them anymore. I mean, sometimes I watch like a few seconds of it, but then I just switch it off. I have changed a lot since then. All for the better.

Lately I have been thinking about vlogging again, occasionally. It’s been a while since I vlogged and I always used to enjoy it a lot! I would need a new camera, tho. I mean I could vlog on my iPhone but I think it’s better to have a new camera. It’s on my want list!

Leander

Life and death

This past Tuesday I went to a funeral. It was pretty overwhelming. So many feelings and thoughts went through me. The funeral was from a girl who I went to elementary school with. I was in the same class as her older brother and she was one or two grades behind me. I remember going to their house often during break time, as well as after school for dinner. Our parents are still ’til this day good friends.

She passed away after battling with cancer for nearly two years. It’s sad. I knew she had cancer, but deep inside I had hope for her. I always felt that she would be okay. Unfortunately she lost her battle and passed away on September 30th. I haven’t seen her in many years, but our parents saw and got together every now and then for birthdays or just for dinners. As we were growing older we all had our own lives.

When my parents called me last week to inform her she passed away I was so stunned. I mean, my parents kept me up to date with the progress and information they received from her parents. In a way, I guess I was in denial for some reason. As mentioned, I felt she would be okay because why would she leave behind her husband and two little kids? I guess I was also in denial because it would have been something unreal. She’s only two years younger than I am. She turned 33 in August.

My parents showed me the card, the invite for her funeral. It had a little message mentioned on it, written by herself. I guess she was fully prepared to be departed from this earth. The message said that it felt to her like she was running a marathon, but failed. That her candle was lit, but blown off. That she had lots of pain, yet a lot of joy in the last moments of her life. And most importantly, that she was loved.

Reading that message on the card made me cry my eyes out.

I was talking to my parents about it and I said how I remembered the times when we were little kids, when I would come over to their house for dinner, watch cartoons with her and her brother. I even remember playing with her and her Barbie dolls. I was about 10 years old. My parents and I would visit them up north where they were vacationing at they camping trailer. We would have barbecues at their house during the summer. They always had barbecues on their fire place. And while the grown up were having their chats, we would go upstairs and play computer games or watch television in their parents’ bedroom.

It feels so unreal. I still think about it and it’s been two days after the funeral. About life and death.

The funeral itself was a great service and I’m sure it was exactly what she wanted it to be. When we arrived to the church I heard the music playing. It was Adele’s Someone Like You. Gave me goosebumps! Near the end of the service the song November Rain by Guns ‘n Roses was played, as her request. Not a typical song to be played at a funeral, but I get it. The song even gave me more emotions.

What made me even more sad was seeing her two little girls, age 3 and 5. They were playing around, looking like they had no idea was going on. Trying to just be and live in that moment the best way they know how to, I guess, while their mother was laying in a coffin. But I felt a sense of confusion for them, which is heartbreaking. They’re so young.

This whole experience was overwhelming and draining for me, personally. I had spoken to my parents about this. Life is so short, and often so unfair. It made me think about life and death, and about my own life. It just feels so unreal to me. Like a nightmare. She was at the prime of her life, having a family, with two little girls who will grow up without their mother.

Makes me think that with all the setbacks and chaos in my own life, there’s always someone out there who has it way worse. I mentioned this to my parents and my mom said that we all should just not worry about the things that makes us feel down. To just live life to the fullest, they best way you know how to, and just be with the people who you love and who love you. To do what you love to do.

I don’t know. The past two days have drained me so much I had to blog about it and express my feelings and thoughts. I just cannot imagine the pain and suffer she had to go through. Alongside her family. It just saddens me and it hits me to the core.

I am sure she is in a better place right now, without any pain and suffering. And that she’s flying with the angels, who will watch over her two kids and her husband.

It kinda feels like another wake up call for me, I guess. Life is so damn short. We often go through life thinking we deserve way more than what we have today. What if you already have what you need?

Something to think about… That’s all I have to say for now…

Rest in peace, Petra.

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