The past couple of weeks I have been feeling rather ‘blegh’. There are times where I feel like I want to scream and then there are times where I feel I should just bottle things up and hope that it will pass. But that won’t work, If only it was that easy. Feelings have been in a knot and thoughts are all over the place. What a freakin’ joy! NOT!
When I was streaming on Twitch the past two weeks, I managed to kind of bottle it up and just have fun. But as soon as I end a stream, I would go back to feeling miserable.
If I have to describe the thing that I feel, then I guess I have to call it: unhappiness. Wow! Good one, Leander. I mean, when someone is feeling depressed or down, it usually is unhappiness. But it is how I feel. Unhappy.
I am at this point in my life where I just feel stuck. And some of it has to do with the fact that I will be 40 in two months. When I was younger, my life right now was not what I had in mind when I would reach 40. I had a plan. Or at least a direction what I wish my life would be like at this time. But I am not even close to have achieved that goal. A lot of other things which I just call ‘obstacles’ happened instead. Dealing with depression in my early thirties, going through family drama/issues, etc. It all caused me to go into a whole different direction of isolating myself, feeling down, creating lots of anxiety… just messy stuff.
What was my plan?
Well, I imagined to be in a whole different scenario when I would reach 40. I imagined I would be in a relationship with someone, maybe getting married and having a family of my own. Instead, I am all alone, feeling isolated and no where close to be in a real relationship. I don’t even have a job right now. Still relying on support from others. It sucks! And it makes me feel upset.
I try really hard to stay positive. There are other people on this planet who are dealing with things that are way worse than what I am going through right now. Way worse! But, I can’t help the way I feel, you know? There are moments where I try to keep my mind occupied, listen to music, dance like a maniac in my living room. That does help. Watching shows and just keep my mind occupied. Le sigh…
In the end, I’ll be fine. I’ve been through these moments hundreds of times. I just gotta get through it! Some moments are harder than others, and right now it feels like it’s the worst.
Luckily I have a great Twitch community and Twitch friends who keep me uplifted. I am grateful for that. They give me so much love and support! And this will pass, eventually. I just needed to get this off my chest, so thanks for reading!