I feel ‘blegh’
In recent weeks, I’ve been grappling with this overwhelming sense of ‘blegh.’ There are moments when I just want to let out a scream, and then there are times when I contemplate bottling up my feelings, hoping they’ll magically disappear. But we all know it’s not that simple. My emotions have become a tangled mess, and my thoughts are scattered all over the place. What a joy, right? Not!
During my recent Twitch streams, I managed to mask it a bit and have fun. But as soon as the stream ended, I’d revert to feeling utterly miserable.
If I had to put a label on this thing I’m experiencing, I’d call it unhappiness. I know, it’s quite an obvious one. When someone is feeling down or depressed, it often boils down to unhappiness. But that’s precisely how I feel—unhappy.
I’ve reached a point in my life where I sense I’m stuck. Part of it has to do with the fact that I’m turning 40 in just two months. When I was younger, my life at 40 wasn’t what I had envisioned. I had plans, or at least a direction in mind for what I hoped my life would be like at this stage. Unfortunately, I’m nowhere near achieving that goal. Instead, I’ve encountered what I’d describe as ‘obstacles.’ Dealing with depression in my early thirties, navigating family drama and issues, and more—these experiences pushed me in a completely different direction. I ended up isolating myself, feeling down, and struggling with anxiety, among other messy things.
What was my plan?
Well, I had imagined an entirely different scenario for myself by the time I reached 40. I pictured being in a loving relationship, perhaps married, and starting a family of my own. Instead, I find myself alone, isolated, and nowhere near an actual relationship. I’m still without a job, relying on support from others. It’s frustrating and makes me feel down.
I genuinely make an effort to maintain a positive outlook. I’m aware that there are people on this planet dealing with challenges far more daunting than my current situation. Way worse, in fact. However, I can’t control how I feel, you know? At times, I try to keep my mind occupied, listening to music, dancing like a maniac in my living room—it helps. Watching shows and staying distracted, I suppose. Le sigh…
In the grand scheme of things, I know I’ll be alright. I’ve faced these moments countless times before, and I just need to push through. Some moments are tougher than others, and right now, it feels like the worst.
Fortunately, I have an incredible Twitch community and Twitch friends who keep my spirits up. I’m truly grateful for their love and support. This, too, shall pass, eventually. I just needed to get this off my chest, so thanks for reading!