Browsing Tag

sadness

Leander

Hundreds of old vlogs

Last year November/December I decided to re-upload all my old vlogs again to my channel on YouTube, and list them as ‘private’. To those who don’t know, I used to be a daily vlogger back in the old days. I had over 900 videos between 2010 and 2013. I wasmainly vlogging to document my life, struggling with depression and lots of ups and downs. The reason why I re-uploaded them again last year is because I deleted all of the original uploads right before I started reinventing my channel with adding The Sims 4 content and other stuff. That was somewhere in 2016. I kinda regret that I deleted them all. I could have easily just put them all on ‘private’ or ‘unlisted’. That way I could easily publish them again in the future and the original upload date would be still in tact. Oh well!

So, yesterday I decided to publish all the vlogs I uploaded and had on ‘private’. At first that didn’t go well. As soon as I selected them all and set them all from ‘private’ to ‘public’ at the same time, I realized that it would ignore the original upload date and it all the videos, over 800 of them, would all be spammed in people’s sub boxes. Oh yeah, the reason why there are just over 800 videos and not 900 is because some of the files I tried to upload were either corrupt or broken. Anyway, I was stressing out about spamming people’s sub box and I tried to figure out what to do. But I fixed it, luckily. I set the status of the vlogs to ‘unlisted’. Phew! No one would want to see 600 new uploads from me in their sub box. So, I fixed the problem.

So, the videos remain ‘unlisted’, but I have made a public playlist on my channel where you have access to them all. And I will be sharing that playlist with you below. Mind you, these were all videos from 2010 ’til 2013. I was such a different person back then, with lots of mental issues, depression, sadness, etc. I personally cannot watch them anymore. I mean, sometimes I watch like a few seconds of it, but then I just switch it off. I have changed a lot since then. All for the better.

Lately I have been thinking about vlogging again, occasionally. It’s been a while since I vlogged and I always used to enjoy it a lot! I would need a new camera, tho. I mean I could vlog on my iPhone but I think it’s better to have a new camera. It’s on my want list!

Leander

My Thursday anger outburst

You know, sometimes it’s hard to keep things in life positive and keeping your head up. Even when you’re trying so hard. The past couple of months I have been trying to stay on the right path with my mind, to stay positive and optimistic, no matter how certain things can get you down, to the ground. But last Thursday I just lost it completely.

My day started out great. Even tho I have been off my anti-depressants for a couple of days and feeling a little twitchy every now and then, trying to stay calm, breathe through certain chaotic issues that I kinda got thrown on me this week. Issues that I can’t really explain on my blog. Just a few setbacks that I haven’t counted on. Having moments where I feel the whole world was against me.

I had an appointment with my therapist about my medication and I explained that my week has been rather eventful and not in a good way. So, we both decided that I will stick to the lower dose (10mg) of my medication for the time being. I have another appointment next week to talk some more about it and see how I will be doing for the rest of the week.

After my appointment I went out with the folks and we did some groceries and then we headed back home for dinner. I felt kinda drained and also a bit vulnerable, but I just tried to keep my head up high and I didn’t show much of my vulnerability to my folks. Until there was something that really triggered an anger outburst.

There was a little argument between my folks that got me upset. Really, really upset. I won’t go into details, but I lost it, right then and there. And I know now that I shouldn’t have. I was so angry. I never, ever, had this kind of anger outburst in my life. At least, not that I can remember.

My behaviour was insane. And I shouldn’t have behaved the way I that I did. I threw things, things broke, I threw with food, plates, glasses, some of my mom’s candle holders. I was screaming and crying hysterically, mom was crying hysterically, my dad tried to calm both of us. It was really, really bad! I said some things that I shouldn’t have. Really bad things. I said bad things to my mom that I regret saying.

Thinking back about this whole ordeal that happened made me realize that so many little pieces of chaos, many little broken pieces, so much anger, disappointments, setbacks, etc. in my life and inside of me, just needed to get out. I know I am all about staying positive. Having a positive state of mind about everything. But last Thursday was just a moment where I still had some inner demons that needed to be released, so to speak.

After my little outburst hysteria, my parents and I hugged it out. Mom and I were crying it out in each others arms. I apologized to my mom for what I did, for breaking things and screaming like a maniac. Yelling things at her that I didn’t mean. Screaming and yelling so loud that would make the neighbours hide under a rock. We hugged and cried it all out for at least 15 minutes.

After the storm came to a rest we talked about it with calmness. I apologized again, saying I was sorry and that I love her so much. My mom mentioned that it’s okay. That I probably needed to act out my anger about the things in my life, the past, and everything else. That may not have been the best way to do it, but it must have been something that was needed.

I was so drained that night. My throat was a bit sore and my voice was a little raspy from all the yelling and screaming. When I was back home I took a shower and I needed to chill so bad. Mom and I were talking on Facetime later and my mom, bless her heart, was able to laugh a little about the extreme anger outburst. But in a good way, ofcourse. We talked some more and in the end I could laugh about it a little bit as well.

I never, ever, wanna have an anger outburst like that again. And to think it was triggered by something that wasn’t even something to be angry about. I disagreed with some thing that my folks were dealing with together, and I just lost it… badly!

But, that’s all in the past. It wasn’t the greatest experience, but in the end I did learn from it. Not to have an outburst like that, with screaming and throwing with things. It’s not the way to deal with it. Maybe it is for some people, tho. I don’t know. Thinking back about it, there’s always a different way to act out anger. Less extreme, you know what I mean? I talked about it with my folks, and we all decided to let it be and just forget about it ever happened.

So, that was how my week has been so far. Very chaotic! Right now, I am just being mellow and not think about the other negative setbacks that were thrown at me this week. But it’s hard, but I will manage it one way or another. Just not with an anger outburst like that again. No fucking way… it was exhausted. Exhausted and also kinda liberating. But yeah, not again!

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