My Thursday anger outburst
You know, life can be a real challenge sometimes, and it’s not always easy to maintain a positive outlook, no matter how hard you try. Over the past few months, I’ve been making an effort to stay on the right path mentally, to stay positive and optimistic, even when certain circumstances try to drag you down. But last Thursday, I completely lost control.
The day started off well, despite being off my anti-depressants for a couple of days and occasionally feeling a bit anxious. I was trying to stay calm, breathe through some chaotic issues that had unexpectedly come my way during the week. Unfortunately, I can’t go into details about these setbacks in my blog. They were just a series of unexpected disappointments, moments where it felt like the world was conspiring against me.
I had an appointment with my therapist to discuss my medication, and I explained that my week had been quite tumultuous, but not in a good way. So, we both decided that I should stick with my lower medication dose (10mg) for the time being. I have another appointment scheduled for next week to assess how I’m coping and decide on the plan for the upcoming week.
After my appointment, I went grocery shopping with my parents and then headed home for dinner. I felt somewhat drained and emotionally vulnerable, but I tried my best to maintain a facade of strength and composure. Until something happened that triggered a sudden outburst of anger.
There was a disagreement between my parents that provoked a strong emotional reaction in me. It got me really, really upset. I won’t go into specifics, but at that moment, I completely lost control, right then and there. I had never experienced this level of anger before, at least not that I can recall.
My behavior was erratic, and I shouldn’t have reacted that way. I threw things, and many broke. I threw food, plates, glasses, and even some of my mom’s candle holders. I was screaming and crying hysterically, my mom was also crying uncontrollably, and my dad tried to mediate between us. It was a terrible scene. I said things I deeply regret to my mom in the heat of the moment.
Reflecting on the entire incident, I came to realize that all the little pieces of chaos, the anger, disappointments, setbacks, and internal conflicts in my life, had built up to the point where they needed an outlet. I know I’m all about maintaining a positive outlook and mindset, but last Thursday was the moment when I needed to release some inner turmoil, so to speak.
Following the eruption of anger and hysteria, my parents and I embraced. My mom and I cried together in each other’s arms. I apologized to my mom for my actions, for the destruction and the furious outbursts. I had screamed and yelled things that I didn’t mean, things that were really hurtful. The shouting was so loud that it could probably be heard by our neighbors. We cried and hugged it out for a good 15 minutes.
Once the storm subsided, we discussed the situation calmly. I apologized once again, expressing my sorrow and love for my mom. She told me it was okay, that maybe I needed to release my pent-up anger and frustration, although not in the best way. I had a lot of issues that I hadn’t addressed properly.
I felt completely drained that night, and my throat was sore from all the yelling and screaming. When I returned home, I took a soothing shower and desperately needed to relax. Later, my mom and I talked on FaceTime, and she, bless her heart, managed to find some humor in the extreme anger outburst. We both laughed about it, but in a lighthearted way. We also had more serious discussions, and eventually, I found it within myself to laugh about the situation.
I never want to experience another anger outburst like that. To think that it was triggered by something that shouldn’t have led to such a reaction. I had disagreed with my parents about something they were dealing with together, and I completely lost control.
But that’s all in the past now. It wasn’t a pleasant experience, but it was a learning moment for me. There are better ways to manage anger than through screaming and throwing things. It’s not the right way to handle it, at least not for me. Perhaps it is for some people, but it’s not how I want to deal with it. Reflecting on the incident, there are always more constructive ways to express anger, less extreme, if you know what I mean.
I discussed the incident with my parents, and we collectively agreed to move on and put it behind us. So, that’s how my week has unfolded so far, marked by chaos and extreme emotions. Right now, I’m trying to maintain a sense of calm and not dwell on the other negative setbacks that cropped up this week. But it’s challenging. Nevertheless, I’m determined to manage these challenges, just not through another outburst like the one I experienced. Absolutely not.