Browsing Tag

mental health

Leander

Will I ever get to work again?

I am dealing with some anxiety at the moment and it’s making me sick to my stomach! So many things are going through my mind and it’s giving me a headache. I am feeling quite clueless right now. I am having a hard time putting things in order.

I haven’t had a proper and normal every day job since 2010. I used to work for a major airline company for about eight years, handling sales and stuff. I lost my former job that year because of mental health issues. I was suddenly dealing with severe depression and anxiety and I have been in therapy for many, many years after I lost my job. I didn’t know what was going on with me. I totally shut myself off from the outside world, I had suicidal thoughts and absolutely no positive outlook on anything anymore. I’ve had assistance from the government, but it has been a real struggle. And it still is!

In the beginning of 2020. right before COVID-19 took over the world, I was doing so much better again. I had a positive outlook again and I was eager to get back out there again and see what my options are. However, I was worried because I hadn’t worked for ten years! But when everything got shut down because of the pandemic and the whole country was in lock down, my goal was basically put on hold.

Right now it’s 2022! The past two years of basically being isolated did have an effect on my mental health again, but I managed to control it by being aware of my thoughts and emotions. After being in therapy for so long I learned the tools on how to deal, maintain and go through it, and try to remain having a positive outlook on things. But I can’t help but worry. I am not getting any younger. Will I ever get a normal job again after twelve years of not working? It’s a very long gap. I got so many questions going through my head right now. Where do I start? Who would hire me? I got skills and I got qualifications, but twelve years ago I was thirty years old. Right now I am almost forty-two! Will there be anyone who would hire me at this age and after a twelve year gap? That thought really scares me. I can’t live like this for the rest of my life. I really don’t know where to start. Feeling the way I feel right now is not really helping either. I feel kind of stuck again, and I hate it. How can I approach this?

Even though I am doing so much better today than a decade ago I still have my moments of social anxiety. Although I do feel more confident, but not being out there and having face to face interaction with people, doesn’t really challenge me either. I feel I would be okay, but I’ll never know if I don’t have something to push me to be around people more. Especially now, since I am feeling a lot better than before.

Is there’s someone out there who can help me out or give me some sort of direction? Because right now it feels I am walking into a brick wall! I would love to do something within the travel industry. I worked for an airline and I have traveled the world quite a bit in the past, so it would be amazing if I could find something in that area again. Is there still anything out there like this after twelve years? Things must have changed a lot too.

When I worked for an airline company I had extensive training with their booking systems. I learned about ticketing, fare calculations and fare conditions, etc. The company also provided customer service, escalation and assertiveness training. I am very good with using a computer. I am fluent in Dutch and English, both spoken and written. I know my way around with video editing and graphics design software. Could these skills lead me to something?

I really need to clear my mind. I have been feeling anxious the whole day and it’s giving me a headache.

I received an e-mail the other day from someone within the government, informing me they will call me in a few weeks to check on me and see how things are. Maybe I should explain to them everything I have been feeling and thinking today.

You don’t look sick…

I gotta be honest. Shortly after I lost my former job I needed to get financial assistance from the government. Because I had a mortgage and continuing bills that needed to be paid. But they weren’t very helpful. I got the financial assistance, but they kept pressuring me and pushing me around to look for a new job, whilst dealing with my mental health. At that time I had no idea what was wrong with me. I was constantly down and depressed. I was suffering from migraines several times a week. The government even cut me off for one month because of the lack of willingness to look for a new job. Them cutting me off led to bills piling up the following months and that led to having debts. I was so lost and stressed I wanted to die. I couldn’t deal with anything anymore. It wasn’t until my father had to drag me out of my apartment to go see my doctor, because I isolated and shut myself off from everything. So that’s when my doctor referred me to a psychiatrist. I had a lot of sessions every week for the many years that followed. But when I think back on the lack of support and understanding I got from the government all these years ago, it makes me feel stressed. I remember saying to the person who was dealing with my case back then that I wasn’t feeling well. And they responded to me to me: “You don’t look sick”. Back then I didn’t think much of it, but when I think about those words they said to me right now, it brings up a lot of anger.

I really need to let those feelings go and not get worked up over it again. It just angers me so much. I just wished they didn’t treat me like a number. And instead show me some compassion and understanding. And really assist me to get back on track. But they did nothing! If they were being helpful from the beginning then things may have gone a different way. Maybe I wouldn’t have wasted twelve years of my life. Maybe they could have assisted me with schooling or something else that would benefit me. But no, I wasted twelve freakin’ years, being depressed, dealing with therapy every week and struggling to get by with the little financial assistance they provided.

I am literally shedding a few tears while I am typing this blog. I guess I figured out what caused today’s anxiety. It’s them! I guess it was needed to get this off my chest. Let’s hope when I have that phone call in a few weeks they are willing to assist me and my needs. I need to make notes of all the things I want to say. I really want to have a normal life again, have a job, save money, do fun things. I am really tired of living like this. Let’s hope for the best. In the mean time I am gonna try my best to remain positive. This shall pass too! Maybe there will be a follow up to this post, who knows?

Thanks for reading.

Leander

Disconnecting for the weekend

This weekend I am disconnecting a little bit and having a little ‘me’ time. It’s one of those moments again where I feel like I just wanna crawl under a rock. Whenever I feel like that I always disconnect myself from people and just deal with it. Analyze and examine my feelings and thoughts and work my way through it.

Lately I haven’t been feeling all that great about myself. There are a few things. My body. I don’t like it. I thought I was okay with it and just embrace it, but I guess not. I can’t even look at myself in the mirror when I get out of the shower. I am like a yo-yo, gaining and losing weight. Not so long ago I started intermittent fasting and eating more healthy. I eat between noon and 8pm and nothing else after until noon the following day. I did that for like a few months and I really noticed the difference. I noticed a change in my body and I felt more energetic too. But then I fell off the wagon again. I started eating again outside of the time slot I eat. More fatty food, chips, ice-cream, chocolate chip cookies, all the good stuff. And I noticed that extra spare tire coming back around my waste. So, here we are again, feeling bad and unhappy about it. I started intermittent fasting and eating healthier again since a couple of days. I am gonna try and focus on it and remind myself of how the results from the last time made me feel better. Fingers crossed.

Another thing I am going through is that feeling of not feeling attractive and feeling unwanted. Where the fuck did that come from, huh? Every time I take an interest in someone it always blows up in my face. I understand that I have a weird sense of humor, a dirty mind, but I think I have a great personality. Don’t I? There were countless moments where I came across someone who is cute, funny and has a great personality. I then I think “we could be so great together”. Does anyone ever think that when they see someone they like? Or am I the only one? But no, they’re either not interested or they don’t think of me the same way. Or when they show you they’re interested, but their heart isn’t fully in it. You know what I mean? It’s frustrating some times. Anyway! Woe is me! But I do feel that I can be the best boyfriend anyone could ever have. Is that a cocky thing to say? I mean, I am compassionate, understanding, loving, sweet and funny. I am all for honesty and communication. Making the other person feel there isn’t anything that they cannot tell me or talk to me about, even if they feel or think it may be something I don’t wanna hear. Doesn’t that sound like a good thing to have in a relationship? Anway!

What else has been happening? Anything that isn’t all that depressing? Well… I have been addicted to Genshin Impact since a month now. So that’s keeping me occupied a lot. And of course I am still streaming on Twitch, which I enjoy a lot. Hanging out with my peeps and stuff. Yeah, that gives me a lot of joy. Everyone is so loving and kind. I always have a great time streaming.

You know, with whatever it is that I am going through right now, I always try so hard to stay positive. Positive and optimistic. Good things will come, eventually. I just gotta set my mind to it, really. And not get sucked into this black hole. So I am considering my weekend of disconnecting a little bit as a good thing. Allowing myself to be a bit vulnerable and just let it all come to me. Feel, deal, heal… right?

Anyway, enough ranting about this. I needed it to get it off my chest one way or another, so why not blog about it? I hope everyone is having a glorious weekend. Take good care of yourself. And don’t worry about me. I will figure out how to rise above it. I always do.