Browsing Tag



Will I ever get to work again?

I am dealing with some anxiety at the moment and it’s making me sick to my stomach! So many things are going through my mind and it’s giving me a headache. I am feeling quite clueless right now. I am having a hard time putting things in order.

I haven’t had a proper and normal every day job since 2010. I used to work for a major airline company for about eight years, handling sales and stuff. I lost my former job that year because of mental health issues. I was suddenly dealing with severe depression and anxiety and I have been in therapy for many, many years after I lost my job. I didn’t know what was going on with me. I totally shut myself off from the outside world, I had suicidal thoughts and absolutely no positive outlook on anything anymore. I’ve had assistance from the government, but it has been a real struggle. And it still is!

In the beginning of 2020. right before COVID-19 took over the world, I was doing so much better again. I had a positive outlook again and I was eager to get back out there again and see what my options are. However, I was worried because I hadn’t worked for ten years! But when everything got shut down because of the pandemic and the whole country was in lock down, my goal was basically put on hold.

Right now it’s 2022! The past two years of basically being isolated did have an effect on my mental health again, but I managed to control it by being aware of my thoughts and emotions. After being in therapy for so long I learned the tools on how to deal, maintain and go through it, and try to remain having a positive outlook on things. But I can’t help but worry. I am not getting any younger. Will I ever get a normal job again after twelve years of not working? It’s a very long gap. I got so many questions going through my head right now. Where do I start? Who would hire me? I got skills and I got qualifications, but twelve years ago I was thirty years old. Right now I am almost forty-two! Will there be anyone who would hire me at this age and after a twelve year gap? That thought really scares me. I can’t live like this for the rest of my life. I really don’t know where to start. Feeling the way I feel right now is not really helping either. I feel kind of stuck again, and I hate it. How can I approach this?

Even though I am doing so much better today than a decade ago I still have my moments of social anxiety. Although I do feel more confident, but not being out there and having face to face interaction with people, doesn’t really challenge me either. I feel I would be okay, but I’ll never know if I don’t have something to push me to be around people more. Especially now, since I am feeling a lot better than before.

Is there’s someone out there who can help me out or give me some sort of direction? Because right now it feels I am walking into a brick wall! I would love to do something within the travel industry. I worked for an airline and I have traveled the world quite a bit in the past, so it would be amazing if I could find something in that area again. Is there still anything out there like this after twelve years? Things must have changed a lot too.

When I worked for an airline company I had extensive training with their booking systems. I learned about ticketing, fare calculations and fare conditions, etc. The company also provided customer service, escalation and assertiveness training. I am very good with using a computer. I am fluent in Dutch and English, both spoken and written. I know my way around with video editing and graphics design software. Could these skills lead me to something?

I really need to clear my mind. I have been feeling anxious the whole day and it’s giving me a headache.

I received an e-mail the other day from someone within the government, informing me they will call me in a few weeks to check on me and see how things are. Maybe I should explain to them everything I have been feeling and thinking today.

You don’t look sick…

I gotta be honest. Shortly after I lost my former job I needed to get financial assistance from the government. Because I had a mortgage and continuing bills that needed to be paid. But they weren’t very helpful. I got the financial assistance, but they kept pressuring me and pushing me around to look for a new job, whilst dealing with my mental health. At that time I had no idea what was wrong with me. I was constantly down and depressed. I was suffering from migraines several times a week. The government even cut me off for one month because of the lack of willingness to look for a new job. Them cutting me off led to bills piling up the following months and that led to having debts. I was so lost and stressed I wanted to die. I couldn’t deal with anything anymore. It wasn’t until my father had to drag me out of my apartment to go see my doctor, because I isolated and shut myself off from everything. So that’s when my doctor referred me to a psychiatrist. I had a lot of sessions every week for the many years that followed. But when I think back on the lack of support and understanding I got from the government all these years ago, it makes me feel stressed. I remember saying to the person who was dealing with my case back then that I wasn’t feeling well. And they responded to me to me: “You don’t look sick”. Back then I didn’t think much of it, but when I think about those words they said to me right now, it brings up a lot of anger.

I really need to let those feelings go and not get worked up over it again. It just angers me so much. I just wished they didn’t treat me like a number. And instead show me some compassion and understanding. And really assist me to get back on track. But they did nothing! If they were being helpful from the beginning then things may have gone a different way. Maybe I wouldn’t have wasted twelve years of my life. Maybe they could have assisted me with schooling or something else that would benefit me. But no, I wasted twelve freakin’ years, being depressed, dealing with therapy every week and struggling to get by with the little financial assistance they provided.

I am literally shedding a few tears while I am typing this blog. I guess I figured out what caused today’s anxiety. It’s them! I guess it was needed to get this off my chest. Let’s hope when I have that phone call in a few weeks they are willing to assist me and my needs. I need to make notes of all the things I want to say. I really want to have a normal life again, have a job, save money, do fun things. I am really tired of living like this. Let’s hope for the best. In the mean time I am gonna try my best to remain positive. This shall pass too! Maybe there will be a follow up to this post, who knows?

Thanks for reading.


Karaoke night at work

This week of nightshifts sure flies by fast! Tonight is the final night! I just got home and I actually need to sleep, but I’m not really that tired. Work was fun! We watched the movie ‘Something New’, which is a nice romantic comedy about a black girl who falls for her gardner, a white guy! We didn’t finish it though, but I got to borrow it from Rosemarie. I have to copy it for myself. I will do that before I go to sleep.

The rest of the nightshift we did some old fashion karaoke. Yes, Rosemarie has her own karaoke machine thingy that you plug to the television. It is so cool! We sang the night away. It was so much fun! She will bring it again tonight, so we are gonna kick some ass. For an audience we don’t have! But who cares!

I really wanna have that karaoke machine as well. That would be cool!


What the bleep do we know

Two nights ago I saw a very interesting movie together with Martine during the nightshift. The movie is called ‘What The Bleep Do We Know!?’. It’s a movie/documentary about discovering endless possibilities for altering your everyday realities. I highly recommend the people who are interested in this subject to see it! I was in total awe.

Synopsis [from What The Bleep]:

WHAT THE BLEEP DO WE KNOW?! is a new type of film. It is part documentary, part story, and part elaborate and inspiring visual effects and animations. The protagonist, Amanda, played by Marlee Matlin, finds herself in a fantastic Alice in Wonderland experience when her daily, uninspired life literally begins to unravel, revealing the uncertain world of the quantum field hidden behind what we consider to be our normal, waking reality.

She is literally plunged into a swirl of chaotic occurrences, while the characters she encounters on this odyssey reveal the deeper, hidden knowledge she doesn’t even realize she has asked for. Like every hero, Amanda is thrown into crisis, questioning the fundamental premises of her life – that the reality she has believed in about how men are, how relationships with others should be, and how her emotions are affecting her work isn’t reality at all!

As Amanda learns to relax into the experience, she conquers her fears, gains wisdom, and wins the keys to the great secrets of the ages, all in the most entertaining way. She is then no longer the victim of circumstances, but she is on the way to being the creative force in her life. Her life will never be the same.

The fourteen top scientists and mystics interviewed in documentary style serve as a modern day Greek Chorus. In an artful filmic dance, their ideas are woven together as a tapestry of truth. The thoughts and words of one member of the chorus blend into those of the next, adding further emphasis to the film’s underlying concept of the interconnectedness of all things.

The chorus members act as hosts who live outside of the story, and from this Olympian view, comment on the actions of the characters below. They are also there to introduce the Great Questions framed by both science and religion, which divides the film into a series of acts. Through the course of the film, the distinction between science and religion becomes increasingly blurred, since we realize that, in essence, both science and religion describe the same phenomena.

The film employs animation to realize the radical knowledge that modern science has unearthed in recent years. Powerful cinematic sequences explore the inner-workings of the human brain. Quirky animation introduces us to the smallest form of consciousness in the body – the cell. Dazzling visuals reinforce the film’s message in an exciting, powerful way. Done with humor, precision, and irreverence, these scenes are only part of what makes this film unique in the history of cinema, and a true box-office winner.


Busy yet boring week

I know it has been a long time since I have shared some shit here! Sorry for the lack of boring stories! I have been busy with work and being lazy. Work this week is such a pain in the ass! So fucking busy, it’s just madness! When I come home from work I just wanna chill. I am off this weekend so I have time to share my boring stories. In the mean time I just wanted to let you know that I am still alive.

Also counting the days to my holiday! Eight days to go and I am flying to Suriname, South America, to see my loving family! I can’t wait to see my Nana again! It will be great! Hope you are doing well!


Exhausting day at work

Today was a very hectic and exhausting day at work. There is even more snow than yesterday! It feels like a white Christmas. It’s nice. But enough already. I went to work this moment and while I was waiting for my train in Delft I got a message from Soraya, who started at 7am, saying that I should prepare myself because there are 115 calls waiting. I was like freaking out! Because of the snow, all the flights from Amsterdam were delayed! I even worked over time today. I nearly worked for 12 hours! The maximum calls waiting I saw was nearly 200! Not fun! I am so tired!

Tomorrow I was supposed to start at 9am, but they asked me if I could start earlier. First they asked me if I can start at 5am. I was like: Squeeze me? I don’t think so! No way I will have 4 hours of sleep and then go back to work. No fucking way! So instead I start at 7am. Still early, but you know. I am too good for this world.

So! Jenny is in Amsterdam tonight. I will meet up with her tomorrow after work. It’s been a while since I have seen her crazy ass. Should be fun. Okay, I am gonna go. I am tired! Ciao!


All the snow

What can I say? Almost the whole country is white! Yes, that’s right! It’s snowing here in Holland! It has been snowing today non stop! It’s unbelievable! Luckily I was at work this morning on time. Work was busy! Back to back calls as there were many flights cancelled and delayed. At one point I got all tired of talking!

I was off at 5:30pm and I had to walk to the station. There was a lot of snow! Almost over my ankles! It was a Kodak moment, but that’s that! It all looked so nice, but I have had enough! Rosemarie called me at 9:30pm and she asked me to guess how many calls waiting there was. I was guessing between 20 and thirty, like it was the whole day. Well not! There were 70 calls waiting! I was like: Oh Dear Lord! That has got to be a pain in the ass. Especially when you see the displays which show how many people are waiting. And it is blinking red! Totally annoying! I am glad I didn’t had to work in the evening! I would be so frickin’ pissed!

Tomorrow I think I will catch one train earlier. Just to be on the safe side! Don’t feel like getting up one half hour earlier, but oh well. I will survive! I am off to bed now. I am tired. Still from the night shifts I had the past weekend. Anyway!


White chicks

It’s been a while! I am at work right and it is 5:30am. Yes, in the morning! I have night shifts this weekend. Three nights in a row, working from 11 o’clock in the evening until 7 o’clock the next morning. Show me the bloody money! It’s fun in the nigh tshift. I am having it together with Melody. I brought along two DVD’s. Absolutely Fabulous and White Chicks. AbFab didn’t work because I bought the DVD in Los Angeles last year, and it doesn’t work on the DVD player at work. So we watched White Chicks and we have been laughing our asses off! I think that movie is brilliant and totally hilarious. If you haven’t seen it yet, go out and rent it or buy it or whatever. It is so my kind of humor. Me and Melody have been crying our asses off from laughing! It’s a movie you can see more than just one time. Funny!

Two hours to go and I can go home. I am starting to get tired. I didn’t get the chance to get some sleep yesterday afternoon.

Yesterday I went to the city to got my passport picture taken. It’s so hideous. I didn’t get much sleep the night before. My eyes were so puffy! And also I look so chubby! I’m telling you passport pictures are the worst ones! For real! Anyway, I am gonna wrap it up here now. One and a half hours to go! I am pleased that this night at work it was not busy at all! And I hope the following two nights will be the same. Peace out!