Browsing Tag

depression

Leander

No resolutions, but…

We’re in November right now. Oh, how time flies by! We are getting closer to the new year. This year really went by super fast and it feels like I haven’t accomplished anything. Although, I have been making some progress mentally with loving, embracing and being myself more, but there are still moments where I can’t help but feel unaccomplished, if that makes any sense. I want to feel the way I used to feel before a decade ago, where I was just happy. Working and making money, go on holidays and just live life. I do have faith that I will achieve that goal, because I do feel I am on the right path, but it’s such a slow process. It does make me feel anxious, but I try so hard to rise above it and fight it. Also this global pandemic that we’re in and all the chaos that is happening in the world, that is quite an obstacle too for me, it feels like.

I don’t do resolutions when it’s a new year. I never do. I think having new year’s resolutions is lame. Why wait for a new year to change and better yourself, when you can do that today? What I do hope is that I will have some opportunities in the new year. Opportunities that actually benefits me socially, financially and most of all mentally. Doing something I love and enjoy. Get back out there again and not hide because I am scared. I developed a little bit of strength this year, but it’s still a work in progress.

I feel kind of conflicted and anxious right now. I’m trying to shake it off by letting it out of my system by typing this blog post. I’m trying to hold on to the little bit of the positive mindset that I have right now for the firture and hope the new year will open some doors for me, for real.

Another thing that I always deal with each year is that it’s the holiday season soon. Christmas is just around the corner and I have to admit that every year during the holidays, I can get a little depressed. I’m always alone during the holidays, which is not the biggest problem. I do enjoy my alone time. It’s just that you always get reminded about being with your loved ones during the holidays and being all jolly with everyone. And it sucks when you really don’t have those options, to be with loved ones. I try to make the best of it, of course. I will probably have a little Christmas feast by myself, dim the lights, light some candles, couch hang and watch Netflix or whatever. That’s all fine with me, but still. So complex isn’t it?

We’ll see how my state of mind is when it’s actually close to Christmas. I’ll probably blog about it too. But, enough of this rant. I didn’t want to bottle it up, so I just thought I’d blog about it. Because this is my little home on the Internet, a place where I can talk about anything, right? Yes! I really do hope everyone out there is doing good. If not, try to fake it until you make it, perhaps?

Leander

Disconnecting for the weekend

This weekend I am disconnecting a little bit and having a little ‘me’ time. It’s one of those moments again where I feel like I just wanna crawl under a rock. Whenever I feel like that I always disconnect myself from people and just deal with it. Analyze and examine my feelings and thoughts and work my way through it.

Lately I haven’t been feeling all that great about myself. There are a few things. My body. I don’t like it. I thought I was okay with it and just embrace it, but I guess not. I can’t even look at myself in the mirror when I get out of the shower. I am like a yo-yo, gaining and losing weight. Not so long ago I started intermittent fasting and eating more healthy. I eat between noon and 8pm and nothing else after until noon the following day. I did that for like a few months and I really noticed the difference. I noticed a change in my body and I felt more energetic too. But then I fell off the wagon again. I started eating again outside of the time slot I eat. More fatty food, chips, ice-cream, chocolate chip cookies, all the good stuff. And I noticed that extra spare tire coming back around my waste. So, here we are again, feeling bad and unhappy about it. I started intermittent fasting and eating healthier again since a couple of days. I am gonna try and focus on it and remind myself of how the results from the last time made me feel better. Fingers crossed.

Another thing I am going through is that feeling of not feeling attractive and feeling unwanted. Where the fuck did that come from, huh? Every time I take an interest in someone it always blows up in my face. I understand that I have a weird sense of humor, a dirty mind, but I think I have a great personality. Don’t I? There were countless moments where I came across someone who is cute, funny and has a great personality. I then I think “we could be so great together”. Does anyone ever think that when they see someone they like? Or am I the only one? But no, they’re either not interested or they don’t think of me the same way. Or when they show you they’re interested, but their heart isn’t fully in it. You know what I mean? It’s frustrating some times. Anyway! Woe is me! But I do feel that I can be the best boyfriend anyone could ever have. Is that a cocky thing to say? I mean, I am compassionate, understanding, loving, sweet and funny. I am all for honesty and communication. Making the other person feel there isn’t anything that they cannot tell me or talk to me about, even if they feel or think it may be something I don’t wanna hear. Doesn’t that sound like a good thing to have in a relationship? Anway!

What else has been happening? Anything that isn’t all that depressing? Well… I have been addicted to Genshin Impact since a month now. So that’s keeping me occupied a lot. And of course I am still streaming on Twitch, which I enjoy a lot. Hanging out with my peeps and stuff. Yeah, that gives me a lot of joy. Everyone is so loving and kind. I always have a great time streaming.

You know, with whatever it is that I am going through right now, I always try so hard to stay positive. Positive and optimistic. Good things will come, eventually. I just gotta set my mind to it, really. And not get sucked into this black hole. So I am considering my weekend of disconnecting a little bit as a good thing. Allowing myself to be a bit vulnerable and just let it all come to me. Feel, deal, heal… right?

Anyway, enough ranting about this. I needed it to get it off my chest one way or another, so why not blog about it? I hope everyone is having a glorious weekend. Take good care of yourself. And don’t worry about me. I will figure out how to rise above it. I always do.

Leander

Hundreds of old vlogs

Last year November/December I decided to re-upload all my old vlogs again to my channel on YouTube, and list them as ‘private’. To those who don’t know, I used to be a daily vlogger back in the old days. I had over 900 videos between 2010 and 2013. I wasmainly vlogging to document my life, struggling with depression and lots of ups and downs. The reason why I re-uploaded them again last year is because I deleted all of the original uploads right before I started reinventing my channel with adding The Sims 4 content and other stuff. That was somewhere in 2016. I kinda regret that I deleted them all. I could have easily just put them all on ‘private’ or ‘unlisted’. That way I could easily publish them again in the future and the original upload date would be still in tact. Oh well!

So, yesterday I decided to publish all the vlogs I uploaded and had on ‘private’. At first that didn’t go well. As soon as I selected them all and set them all from ‘private’ to ‘public’ at the same time, I realized that it would ignore the original upload date and it all the videos, over 800 of them, would all be spammed in people’s sub boxes. Oh yeah, the reason why there are just over 800 videos and not 900 is because some of the files I tried to upload were either corrupt or broken. Anyway, I was stressing out about spamming people’s sub box and I tried to figure out what to do. But I fixed it, luckily. I set the status of the vlogs to ‘unlisted’. Phew! No one would want to see 600 new uploads from me in their sub box. So, I fixed the problem.

So, the videos remain ‘unlisted’, but I have made a public playlist on my channel where you have access to them all. And I will be sharing that playlist with you below. Mind you, these were all videos from 2010 ’til 2013. I was such a different person back then, with lots of mental issues, depression, sadness, etc. I personally cannot watch them anymore. I mean, sometimes I watch like a few seconds of it, but then I just switch it off. I have changed a lot since then. All for the better.

Lately I have been thinking about vlogging again, occasionally. It’s been a while since I vlogged and I always used to enjoy it a lot! I would need a new camera, tho. I mean I could vlog on my iPhone but I think it’s better to have a new camera. It’s on my want list!

Leander

I feel ‘blegh’

Hey, Internet!

The past couple of weeks I have been feeling rather ‘blegh’. There are times where I feel like I want to scream and then there are times where I feel I should just bottle things up and hope that it will pass. But that won’t work, If only it was that easy. Feelings have been in a knot and thoughts are all over the place. What a freakin’ joy! NOT!

When I was streaming on Twitch the past two weeks, I managed to kind of bottle it up and just have fun. But as soon as I end a stream, I would go back to feeling miserable.

If I have to describe the thing that I feel, then I guess I have to call it: unhappiness. Wow! Good one, Leander. I mean, when someone is feeling depressed or down, it usually is unhappiness. But it is how I feel. Unhappy.

I am at this point in my life where I just feel stuck. And some of it has to do with the fact that I will be 40 in two months. When I was younger, my life right now was not what I had in mind when I would reach 40. I had a plan. Or at least a direction what I wish my life would be like at this time. But I am not even close to have achieved that goal. A lot of other things which I just call ‘obstacles’ happened instead. Dealing with depression in my early thirties, going through family drama/issues, etc. It all caused me to go into a whole different direction of isolating myself, feeling down, creating lots of anxiety… just messy stuff.

What was my plan?

Well, I imagined to be in a whole different scenario when I would reach 40. I imagined I would be in a relationship with someone, maybe getting married and having a family of my own. Instead, I am all alone, feeling isolated and no where close to be in a real relationship. I don’t even have a job right now. Still relying on support from others. It sucks! And it makes me feel upset.

I try really hard to stay positive. There are other people on this planet who are dealing with things that are way worse than what I am going through right now. Way worse! But, I can’t help the way I feel, you know? There are moments where I try to keep my mind occupied, listen to music, dance like a maniac in my living room. That does help. Watching shows and just keep my mind occupied. Le sigh…

In the end, I’ll be fine. I’ve been through these moments hundreds of times. I just gotta get through it! Some moments are harder than others, and right now it feels like it’s the worst.

Luckily I have a great Twitch community and Twitch friends who keep me uplifted. I am grateful for that. They give me so much love and support! And this will pass, eventually. I just needed to get this off my chest, so thanks for reading!

Leander

My Thursday anger outburst

You know, sometimes it’s hard to keep things in life positive and keeping your head up. Even when you’re trying so hard. The past couple of months I have been trying to stay on the right path with my mind, to stay positive and optimistic, no matter how certain things can get you down, to the ground. But last Thursday I just lost it completely.

My day started out great. Even tho I have been off my anti-depressants for a couple of days and feeling a little twitchy every now and then, trying to stay calm, breathe through certain chaotic issues that I kinda got thrown on me this week. Issues that I can’t really explain on my blog. Just a few setbacks that I haven’t counted on. Having moments where I feel the whole world was against me.

I had an appointment with my therapist about my medication and I explained that my week has been rather eventful and not in a good way. So, we both decided that I will stick to the lower dose (10mg) of my medication for the time being. I have another appointment next week to talk some more about it and see how I will be doing for the rest of the week.

After my appointment I went out with the folks and we did some groceries and then we headed back home for dinner. I felt kinda drained and also a bit vulnerable, but I just tried to keep my head up high and I didn’t show much of my vulnerability to my folks. Until there was something that really triggered an anger outburst.

There was a little argument between my folks that got me upset. Really, really upset. I won’t go into details, but I lost it, right then and there. And I know now that I shouldn’t have. I was so angry. I never, ever, had this kind of anger outburst in my life. At least, not that I can remember.

My behaviour was insane. And I shouldn’t have behaved the way I that I did. I threw things, things broke, I threw with food, plates, glasses, some of my mom’s candle holders. I was screaming and crying hysterically, mom was crying hysterically, my dad tried to calm both of us. It was really, really bad! I said some things that I shouldn’t have. Really bad things. I said bad things to my mom that I regret saying.

Thinking back about this whole ordeal that happened made me realize that so many little pieces of chaos, many little broken pieces, so much anger, disappointments, setbacks, etc. in my life and inside of me, just needed to get out. I know I am all about staying positive. Having a positive state of mind about everything. But last Thursday was just a moment where I still had some inner demons that needed to be released, so to speak.

After my little outburst hysteria, my parents and I hugged it out. Mom and I were crying it out in each others arms. I apologized to my mom for what I did, for breaking things and screaming like a maniac. Yelling things at her that I didn’t mean. Screaming and yelling so loud that would make the neighbours hide under a rock. We hugged and cried it all out for at least 15 minutes.

After the storm came to a rest we talked about it with calmness. I apologized again, saying I was sorry and that I love her so much. My mom mentioned that it’s okay. That I probably needed to act out my anger about the things in my life, the past, and everything else. That may not have been the best way to do it, but it must have been something that was needed.

I was so drained that night. My throat was a bit sore and my voice was a little raspy from all the yelling and screaming. When I was back home I took a shower and I needed to chill so bad. Mom and I were talking on Facetime later and my mom, bless her heart, was able to laugh a little about the extreme anger outburst. But in a good way, ofcourse. We talked some more and in the end I could laugh about it a little bit as well.

I never, ever, wanna have an anger outburst like that again. And to think it was triggered by something that wasn’t even something to be angry about. I disagreed with some thing that my folks were dealing with together, and I just lost it… badly!

But, that’s all in the past. It wasn’t the greatest experience, but in the end I did learn from it. Not to have an outburst like that, with screaming and throwing with things. It’s not the way to deal with it. Maybe it is for some people, tho. I don’t know. Thinking back about it, there’s always a different way to act out anger. Less extreme, you know what I mean? I talked about it with my folks, and we all decided to let it be and just forget about it ever happened.

So, that was how my week has been so far. Very chaotic! Right now, I am just being mellow and not think about the other negative setbacks that were thrown at me this week. But it’s hard, but I will manage it one way or another. Just not with an anger outburst like that again. No fucking way… it was exhausted. Exhausted and also kinda liberating. But yeah, not again!

Leander

The benefits of therapy

I’ve been in therapy for nearly four years now and during my last therapy session I suddenly opened up on how much therapy has been life changing for me. Something I was just a little bit aware of, but not completely. It ended up in a liberated and ‘feel good’ conversation with my therapist.

I’ve been mentioning a lot of my issues on previous blog posts, but to make a long story short, I will try to inform you briefly about why I’m in therapy. In the end of 2009 I basically lost my groove, became depressed, lost my well paid job of seven years because of it, dealing with debts and other financial issues, which also caused a lot of stress, suffering from psychosis – hearing and seeing things that aren’t there. It wasn’t until June 2010 that I really needed help. If I think about it today, I wouldn’t have known where to start back then. If it wasn’t for my dad dragging me out of my apartment to go see a doctor, who then referred me to see a psychiatrist, I would probably still be in a dark hole of nothing. And with having occasional suicidal thoughts back then as well, it might have been something that would have killed me.

Before I was in therapy, and I’m refering to myself a couple of years before I got sick, I was pretty much a closeted person. I was living life, going to work, having drinks with friends, traveling the world and just having fun. I felt comfortable being surrounded by co-workers who I also considered as friends. I didn’t worry much about feelings and emotions. I was in my so-called “comfort zone”. My feelings and emotions wasn’t really what I was thinking about. Also memories about my teenage years when I was bullied and also about my sexuality. It was all bottled up inside. I did came to terms that I was gay, but it wasn’t a topic that I spoke freely about, unless it’s with someone who I trust and felt comfortable with. I had no worries at all back then. Just work and living life the fullest.

About six months or so before I got the sack, I became depressed. I didn’t know what was happening and why I suddenly felt down all the time. It had a huge impact on my performance at work. I also suffered from migraines, so I called in sick a lot. And at one point I was just done with everything. So, I had a mutual agreement at work with human resources, to just let me go. My mind was all over the place and at that time I didn’t care for anything anymore. It also felt like the whole world was against me and that I was the only one who was dealing with bad things and everyone else didn’t. Today I think that’s something that any person who is depressed would think like. The feeling like you are all alone!

A lot of people are skeptical about therapy. Opening up about their personal life, dealing with their problems, thoughts and emotions. It’s something that I can totally understand. It’s a stereotypical view that people have and a lot of people don’t know how to deal with “imperfection”, so they choose to go into another direction and not deal with it. Because it makes them feel safe and universally accepted. Even I was like that before I started therapy. How could a total stranger help me with what I am dealing with? That perspective totally changed for me today.

What I have learned now is that running away from your problems is a race you’ll never win.

I want to share with you what the benefits of therapy are for myself. It also might be something that you will find useful or helpful too.

SELF EXAMINATION

Getting to know yourself better, on a deeper level. Now that’s a challenge! At least for me it was. I learned so much about myself, things I wasn’t even aware of! Now, how could that be possible? I learned to ask and answer questions like “why do I think like that?”, “why do I behave like that?” and “why do I feel like that?”. It pushed me to deeper questions of personal experience and deep feelings. In the four years that I’m in therapy I went back and forth to the core of my being, many times. And still ’til this day it feels like I’ve only learned and understand just a little bit about myself. I’m sure there’s plenty more to learn and understand.

When you dive into your own issues, thoughts and feelings, you will also discover insight that can help you understand what other people are going through or dealing with, like your partner, a family member, a friend or maybe even a co-worker or your boss. It allowed me to have deeper understanding of others and show more empathy.

HEALING THE WOUNDS

I’ve learned that the wounds from the past caused my depression. It’s interesting that it took a toll on my well being fifteen years later. I came to understand the fact that the wounds were never really healed. I did a good job bottling it all up, but the bottle got so full it exploded.

I learned that acknowledging is the first step to healing. Acknowledge the truth! In the past I have been bullied, ridiculed and tormented. I have been bullied, ridiculed and tormented. I have been bullied, ridiculed and tormented.

It took me a long time to let it all out with my therapist, having several EMDR treatments as well. The big challenge for me was to think and go back to that specific moment, when I was about 15 years old, just outside of school. I tried to avoid the group of bullies who were waiting for me at my bicycle. The feelings and thoughts when I noticed they were outside waiting for me while I was waiting inside for them to leave. Trying to analyze the fear, the thoughts and the feelings I felt of being powerless and fragile. Thoughts that went through my head when I eventually decided to try and suck it up and just go get my bicycle and go home. The feelings that went through my body, the feelings of fear when a group of bullies called me names like “homo” and “faggot”, pushed me around, punched me in the stomach, smeared a peanutbutter sandwich in my hair and kicked the wheel of my bicycle so it was all bent.

I kept it all inside. I didn’t even tell my parents about it. Not until I started therapy four years ago. Again, I acknowledge. I have been bullied, ridiculed and tormented.

Thanks to therapy and EMDR I have put the past behind me. Am I completely healed? I think I am. I mean, I still think about it sometimes, but I’ve learned to give it a special place and I also learned to feel and think differently about it. I don’t feel depressed or sad anymore when I think back about being bullied. The only thing I’m dealing with right now is the sudden social anxiety it caused. But that is the issue I am currently working on together with my therapist. And it’s a work in progress. Slowly, maybe, but I’m getting there.

RECOGNIZING THE PATTERN

Another thing I learned from therapy is to be aware and understand what the past gave to me. To recognize the pattern of how I think and what I do in the present time. In order to move forward and not to be stuck, it is important to look at yourself first and see the pattern.

Look at what you do!

When I was bullied in the past, it caused me to feel insecure today. Having fear of being denied, fear of being judged, fear of failing and the fear of meeting new people and being around people. The pattern that I currently try hard to overcome is avoidance. Avoiding social contact, because I’m scared. That’s biggest pattern I have to overcome. It’s a work in progress. But recognizing the pattern makes it easier to be aware of my actions.

LISTENING EAR

It took me a while to get used to it, talking to a stranger about my problems. But in the end it feels so good to have someone to talk to and who listens to you with full attention and focus. It’s different than when you talk to a friend or a family member. It’s like a therapist really understands you.

Another thing that I like is that a therapist never, ever judges you. When I started therapy it was hard for me to open up. It maybe took me about a year to really get out of my shell. In the beginning when the topic of my sexuality came up, it was hard for me to talk about it. Even when I accepted myself for being gay, it was still a subject that I had trouble opening up about. At some point I also explained why I had trouble talking about it. Because I was bullied and most of society is having a big issue with it. But right now it’s not even an issue anymore to talk about it with my therapist.

Having the attention and listening ear from my therapist, I also learned to be more open towards others and what they have to say, to provide a listening ear to someone else in need and reach out and help. Because I know that it’s hard to have someone like that in your life, someone who really listens and understand. And in the past four years I’ve learned a lot of great tools from my therapist, so it would be good to use some of the things I learned to help someone else. And maybe try to have someone seek a therapist too. Because you know, it is okay to see a therapist!

TRUTH WILL SET YOU FREE

If I would compare the person I am today with the person I was four years ago, I’ve changed so much! In a good way. I guess I feel more free and liberated in a way, by getting a lot of things out of my system. Being open and honest with myself and with others. To be able to talk about my issues and not feeling ashamed by it. Being able to understand the problems I sometimes have. Being aware of my emotions and thoughts and understanding where they are coming from. Recognizing the pattern of how I deal with negative things, and then try to change that. Learning more and more about myself. It’s all been really good so far.

Also, the relationship with my parents and I have gotten stronger too. They have joined me three times during a session and I’m so glad that they have. I used to have trouble expressing myself towards my parents, but therapy also gave them clear insight on my well being and they understand me more today. To me personally, I find it very important that they do. They are my parents, I love them with all my heart and they have always been there for me. And they still are today.

To my parents I am still their little boy, no matter how old I am. And trutfully, I won’t have it any other way. I can be truthful to them and it really feels good!

SO NOW WHAT?

These are the few benefits that therapy has given me. While I am writing this blog and reading it back, I really came to notice that I have changed a lot. I just cannot say it enough. And I’m sure there is so much more to learn about myself as I grow older. And truthfully, I am ready for whatever comes my way.

I am still in therapy and I will continue my sessions every week. I also have other plans that I kinda look forward to, together with my therapist and a support organization. They will help me overcome my social anxiety. That will happen within a couple of weeks. It’s scary, but I will give it my all. And I have to focus on not to try it, but do it.

Thanks for reading my blog. Hopefully my positive experience with therapy is helpful to you. If you feel like your life is falling down or you are wounded by something from the past, or anything else that makes you feel like your stuck, just take a moment, pause, and look at yourself and recognize your pattern. Understand it, acknowledge the truth and be willing to open up! When you do, then it all starts from there. Whatever the bad thing is that you’re dealing with in your life, you are not to blame. That’s also something I learned. It’s not my fault that life turned out differently for me. But I acknowledged it and I am willing to work on it and grow.

I feel I can go on about this subject, but I will save the rest for another time. Have a great day, everyone!

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