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Happy New Year

Wow, this is the first post of 2021! Happy New Year, everyone! The first couple of days in the new year I have been doing nothing but chillin’. I canceled my stream on New Year’s Day, because I felt like I needed a little break, so that’s what I did. New Year’s Eve was chill for me as well. I have been talking to my online friends a lot, killing time and just do whatever.

New Year’s Eve must have been so different for everyone on this planet. And it’s safe to say that 2020 sucked big time. I hope in the new year we get to see things change for the best. I am over this whole pandemic! I want everything to go back to normal. But I feel it will take a while before the world is completely recovered and at ease. Let’s keep our fingers crossed.

So, the past couple of days I have been unproductive. I haven’t recorded any videos yet for my YouTube channel. I felt rather uninspired, which I hope will change soon. Gotta get my groove back, you know what I mean? I have been playing a lot of Grand Theft Auto V on my Playstation 4 Pro, doing missions and stuff. Love the game. I have the game on my PC as well and I used to stream it a couple of times on Twitch. I am pleased that I am further with the game than when I was playing it on my PC. I planned to play some more today, but I was forcing myself to take a little break from it, so I finally started watching season one of RuPaul’s Drag Race UK!

Tomorrow I will start getting back to my regular streaming schedule again, my first stream in the new year. We’ll probably build in The Sims 4 again, but I don’t know yet what to build. I’ll just make up something quickly before I go live. Or find some inspiration online, that helps too. So, I hope to catch you all when I am live!

But, yeah! I hope everyone had a great start of the new year. And I really hope that the new year will give a lot of people something better, for everyone. All I can say is that I will send each and everyone of you positive vibes. And I am reminding you that we’re all in this together. Try to have a positive mindset, okay?

I don’t have any New Year’s Resolution. I don’t do that. People often have resolutions for when it’s a new year, but not me. Why wait and change something when it’s a new year, while you have the chance to make changes before a new year starts? It never really makes sense to me.

Enough rambling for now! Again, Happy New Year! Be good and be kind!


Licking my own balls

Nothing too exciting has happened since my last blog post. Except for the fact that I have been very productive with creating videos for my YouTube channel. Doing The Sims 4 speed builds and right now a let’s play as well. It’s been a lot of fun so far. And I have been streaming a lot on Twitch as well. But other than that things have been very mellow.

Earlier this month I was very excited to finally see the season finale of The Walking Dead. We have been waiting for a long time for that and the episode did not disappoint! It was a kick-ass episode. I won’t give out any spoilers, just that it was a kick-ass episode! I am still bummed out that the series will end after season 11. I’ll miss my Daryl! Also, the spin-off of The Walking Dead called World Beyond started. I watched the first two episodes and I am really digging it! I love the concept and storyline. Fear The Walking Dead will start in a few days as well, so more excitement to come. I could wait until the whole new season has ended, so I can binge, but I can’t.

Another show that I did binge is Ratched, on Netflix. Loved it! Not only because Sarah Paulson is in it, but also the whole aesthetic the show has. It takes place in the 1940’s, Loved the colors and 40’s fashion! It was a great show.

And I have been watching some old episodes of Friends as well. I always watch Friends when I have dinner. The other day I watched the series finale, which I haven’t seen in years! Maybe even over a decade! I think I only saw it twice. Because the finale is just too sad for me. I don’t know if there are any other Friends fanatics out there who feel the same. So, I watched the finale again and yes, I had to cry! Ugh, I am such a sensitive bean. Friends will always be one of my favorite shows, ever!

The weather here is gloriously cold. Lots of rain we are having! Which I don’t mind. I only mind it if I have to go out to buy groceries. If not then it’s nice to stay in when it pours! Wearing sweats, lounging on your couch watching shows, or just chill in front of your computer and do some Simming. At the end of the month the clock will go back one hour, which I don’t mind either. It will get darker sooner and I just love it! Turn on the heater, light some candles and stuff. Is there anyone else who enjoys it? And soon I can put out my Christmas tree and decorate, which will make it even more cozy! Who’s ready for it?

Okay, something else… I purchased one t-shirt from my merchandise, the current logo I use on my Twitch channel and on my YouTube channel. Is buying and wearing your own merch like licking your own balls? If that’s the case then I am totally licking them! My merch is going through StreamLabs and I have purchased merch before from another streamer. I was curious how my merch looks like in real life, so I purchased it and I am wearing right now as I am typing this blog post! Of course I had to take a selfie, you know what I mean?

Do not mind my messy “celebrity on a day-off” hair! It’s Sunday and I couldn’t be bothered. You know how it is.

Anyway, I don’t have anything else to talk about. Thank you if you read this blog post in its entirety. You are loved. I wish you all a great rest of your Sunday!


Hundreds of old vlogs

Last year November/December I decided to re-upload all my old vlogs again to my channel on YouTube, and list them as ‘private’. To those who don’t know, I used to be a daily vlogger back in the old days. I had over 900 videos between 2010 and 2013. I wasmainly vlogging to document my life, struggling with depression and lots of ups and downs. The reason why I re-uploaded them again last year is because I deleted all of the original uploads right before I started reinventing my channel with adding The Sims 4 content and other stuff. That was somewhere in 2016. I kinda regret that I deleted them all. I could have easily just put them all on ‘private’ or ‘unlisted’. That way I could easily publish them again in the future and the original upload date would be still in tact. Oh well!

So, yesterday I decided to publish all the vlogs I uploaded and had on ‘private’. At first that didn’t go well. As soon as I selected them all and set them all from ‘private’ to ‘public’ at the same time, I realized that it would ignore the original upload date and it all the videos, over 800 of them, would all be spammed in people’s sub boxes. Oh yeah, the reason why there are just over 800 videos and not 900 is because some of the files I tried to upload were either corrupt or broken. Anyway, I was stressing out about spamming people’s sub box and I tried to figure out what to do. But I fixed it, luckily. I set the status of the vlogs to ‘unlisted’. Phew! No one would want to see 600 new uploads from me in their sub box. So, I fixed the problem.

So, the videos remain ‘unlisted’, but I have made a public playlist on my channel where you have access to them all. And I will be sharing that playlist with you below. Mind you, these were all videos from 2010 ’til 2013. I was such a different person back then, with lots of mental issues, depression, sadness, etc. I personally cannot watch them anymore. I mean, sometimes I watch like a few seconds of it, but then I just switch it off. I have changed a lot since then. All for the better.

Lately I have been thinking about vlogging again, occasionally. It’s been a while since I vlogged and I always used to enjoy it a lot! I would need a new camera, tho. I mean I could vlog on my iPhone but I think it’s better to have a new camera. It’s on my want list!


Four weeks of no alcohol consumption

I did it! I managed to not drink any alcohol for a little over four weeks now! In one of my previous posts I mentioned that I stopped drinking alcohol and that I want to start my forties taking care of my mind and body. I can’t believe I made it this far! The first week or two I experienced some withdrawals. I got headaches quite often, which was weird. But other than that, I was able to pull through it. I also lost a teeny tiny bit of weight. Can’t really tell, but I do kinda notice it myself, which is a great thing too.

Another thing I forgot to mention before is when I stopped drinking alcohol, I also stopped drinking soda! I used to be a Coke Zero addict. I could easily drink one whole bottle in one day. I used to obsess over that sensation of taking that big first sip of the day of ice cold Coke Zero and let it go down your throat. It was literally heaven to me. I just can’t explain why that’s such a sensation for me. I’m weird.

So, instead of drinking soda, I just drink flavored water. Here in the Netherlands we call it ‘lemonade’, but I know it’s different in the USA or elsewhere. It’s basically a syrup that you pour a little bit of in a glass and you just add water to it. There’s also a powder version like that. Anyway, I just get a few bottles, sugar free, of different flavors like strawberry, raspberry or orange. And I have been drinking lots of it the past couple of weeks. Like, really a lot! It’s so refreshing, especially on a hot summer day. And I always drink it in a big jar. You might have seen that infamous jar if you watch my streams on Twitch!

I am not a fan of drinking water straight from the tap, it’s just not my thing, I don’t know why so don’t come for me. I guess in my mind I think tap water is not super duper clean. Anyway, I bought six big bottles of mineral water and when they are all empty I just keep it. Because what I do is I just boil tap water in my water cooker, let it cool off for a few hours and just refill the empty water bottles! Saves me money too. Brilliant isn’t it?

Ah, the saving money sure is nice. I usually spend €25 maximum on beer and soda a week! That’s like €100 a month! It would be so much better for me to just put that money aside and save it for a rainy day, which is something that I am still trying to work on, saving money. Right now I buy other stuff, mostly stuff that I don’t need. But still!

I am pretty proud of myself. I never thought I could manage to stick to it. No alcohol, no soda! I guess if you have your mind set to it and you got the willpower you can do it! I mentioned in one of my previous posts that it doesn’t mean that I won’t have an alcoholic drink anymore, ever. I may drink on special occasions or whatever. But with moderation. Maybe I’ll get a bottle of wine once a month to drink on a weekend or something. For when I want to have a chill evening watching a movie or a show on Netflix or Amazon Prime. Who knows? But for now I don’t really have the desire for it.

Before I stopped drinking alcohol I used to have a couple of strong (10% alcohol) cans of beer every single night for like a couple of years! I used to love feeling a buzz, really. And sometimes I would even go further than feeling just a buzz. I would have a can or two when I would stream on Twitch, to make me feel more relaxed. I would have a good buzz and I would just feel more talkative and happier in a way. Thinking back to that it is kind of ridiculous, isn’t it?

Right now, being off alcohol for a month, I feel like I have more energy, I sleep better, I lost a little bit of weight, my skin looks and feels a lot better… I just feel great!

If there’s anyone out there who is trying to quit alcohol, do it! Set your mind to it! Try and do it for a month. Have a little cleanse, it will do you good, believe me! You will feel so much better. Leave me a comment if you are struggling with stopping or if you are thinking about it. I would love to hear all about it!

Alright, that’s enough rambling about that for now. Going a little off topic…

I found these old selfies of mine somewhere on my hard drive and they are from somewhere in 2014, I believe. Boy, I was way obsessed with overlays and filters it looks like. And I love that I didn’t have a turkey neck back then. Oh well, have a great week, everyone!


Throwback to photo session in Ireland

Here are some old snaps from the vault from way back, 2001, when I was a skinny young queef in Ireland, at some lake. I don’t remember the exact location. Oh to be this slim and fit again! Oye! Good memories tho!


I feel ‘blegh’

Hey, Internet!

The past couple of weeks I have been feeling rather ‘blegh’. There are times where I feel like I want to scream and then there are times where I feel I should just bottle things up and hope that it will pass. But that won’t work, If only it was that easy. Feelings have been in a knot and thoughts are all over the place. What a freakin’ joy! NOT!

When I was streaming on Twitch the past two weeks, I managed to kind of bottle it up and just have fun. But as soon as I end a stream, I would go back to feeling miserable.

If I have to describe the thing that I feel, then I guess I have to call it: unhappiness. Wow! Good one, Leander. I mean, when someone is feeling depressed or down, it usually is unhappiness. But it is how I feel. Unhappy.

I am at this point in my life where I just feel stuck. And some of it has to do with the fact that I will be 40 in two months. When I was younger, my life right now was not what I had in mind when I would reach 40. I had a plan. Or at least a direction what I wish my life would be like at this time. But I am not even close to have achieved that goal. A lot of other things which I just call ‘obstacles’ happened instead. Dealing with depression in my early thirties, going through family drama/issues, etc. It all caused me to go into a whole different direction of isolating myself, feeling down, creating lots of anxiety… just messy stuff.

What was my plan?

Well, I imagined to be in a whole different scenario when I would reach 40. I imagined I would be in a relationship with someone, maybe getting married and having a family of my own. Instead, I am all alone, feeling isolated and no where close to be in a real relationship. I don’t even have a job right now. Still relying on support from others. It sucks! And it makes me feel upset.

I try really hard to stay positive. There are other people on this planet who are dealing with things that are way worse than what I am going through right now. Way worse! But, I can’t help the way I feel, you know? There are moments where I try to keep my mind occupied, listen to music, dance like a maniac in my living room. That does help. Watching shows and just keep my mind occupied. Le sigh…

In the end, I’ll be fine. I’ve been through these moments hundreds of times. I just gotta get through it! Some moments are harder than others, and right now it feels like it’s the worst.

Luckily I have a great Twitch community and Twitch friends who keep me uplifted. I am grateful for that. They give me so much love and support! And this will pass, eventually. I just needed to get this off my chest, so thanks for reading!


Kathy Griffin in Amsterdam

What’s up, everyone!

This evening was one of the best nights of my freakin’ life! After a decade of being a fan I finally got the chance to see one of my favorite comedians, Kathy Griffin, live at the Meervaart Theatre in Amsterdam! And boy, it was the best ever! She is fierce, amazing, unapologetic and just freakin’ awesome!

I went to the show with two friends of mine who I met up with before the show at a little bistro across the theatre. We had a lovely dinner there, caught up and chatted with each other for like an hour and after dinner we headed to the theatre for the show.

At the venue, it was like gay heaven! It’s know that Kathy Griffin has a huge gay following and I’m pretty sure that 90% of the audience there were my fellow LGBTQ people and I fucking loved it!

The show started at 8:15 and it lasted for two hours! It was amazing! We had great seats on row four and I was pretty much in awe to see Kathy Griffin so close! She’s just so tiny and fierce! The set was amazing, I literally laughed from start to finished and it was just the best! I don’t have any pictures or videos of the show, cause it was strictly prohibited, but that’s okay! I sat back, relaxed and enjoyed the show! This was Kathy’s first ever visit and first ever show in Holland and I really hope she’ll be back again in the near future, because I will be there!

All in all, I had a blast! And I cannot wait to see her next show this coming Thursday in Antwerp, Belgium! Thank you for the laughs, Kathy! You’re the best!